Month: August 2020

I didn’t sleep well last night. I probably shouldn’t have straightened my hair about 2am in the morning but I made that choice. Then I couldn’t sleep until at least 4am. I was then woken by my cat at half 5. I haven’t been able to get back to sleep since. I feel like I’ve been punched in the eyes. I had breakfast and took my medication at 8am. I’m planning to have a few hours sleep before I go to get my weekly food shop.

I can feel that it’s September tomorrow. There is a cold chill in the air. I feel the cold easily even at warmer times of the year. I don’t like winter due to the fact that I feel cold easily. I feel cold even just imagining ice and snow. I feel awful today. We have more painting to do in another room. I don’t feel like doing it but hopefully when I’ve had a few hours sleep I will feel better.

I have tried to do as little as possible today because I’m tired. I made myself go for a walk earlier because I needed fresh air after being inside most of the last few weeks. I was starting to look more pale than normal.

I don’t think I’ll ever have a normal life. I simply cannot describe my life as anything other than bizarre at times. I was sat in my living room watching the television. The house phone then starts beeping at me as if someone is taking it on and off the charge holder. This happened about 6 times in a row. That wouldn’t happen unless someone was lifting the handset off the holder. I got up to have a look to see if there was anything broken on it. There was absolutely nothing wrong with how the phone was positioned etc. A few minutes later it started doing the same thing again. It never did it again since those incidents last night. I woke up in the middle of the night with a page up on IBS (Irritable bowel syndrome) which I’m sure that I never searched in google before falling asleep. I opened my mobile to find safari open on this particular page. I wasn’t even looking up anything on search before I fell asleep. I was only playing the who wants to be a millionaire game on an app, I’m in the bronze 2 league on there. There was nothing else weird that has happened since finding that page open on my mobile this morning. I also had a dream of the person that I mentioned on here the other day. The one that I said that I liked who was a lot older than me. She was in my dream last night alongside all that bizarre stuff that occurred.

I’m used to my life being this way. I have always been able to pick things up and am sensitive to the unexplainable (paranormal, supernatural etc). I was never supposed to have a normal life. I started my adult life in a hospital, then moved to adult residential care. The people that sent me there probably never thought that I’d ever get out of that situation. It took me a decade but now I’m free from even being under adult social care. I still suffer the stigma in regards to how I’m treated by others. There are lots of people who have seen me as below them due to being ‘under the care of the local authority’ due to being labelled as a vulnerable adult. This means that the only people that seemed to have wanted to know me are users and potential dangerous weirdos.

The decent people don’t want to know me due to all the legislation surrounding vulnerable adults which could potential get them accused of grooming if they’re just kind to me. The real potential abusers don’t care about those laws. They’re normally the types that use, abuse and exit the lives of vulnerable people quite quickly as soon as a consequence becomes public. That happened with my son’s father. He disappeared when my son was about to born and was last known having moved to France. If he had been at least a true friend then he’d let his family members come forward to avoid adoption outside the family so at least I could have had some form of contact with my son. Instead, he scarpered refusing to do a DNA test for social services. He could have got charged with a crime by the police as his sister worked for the care company that I used to be under. That is how ridiculous and isolating these vulnerable adult protection laws can be. He didn’t force me to do anything. I wanted a baby and willingly went there with him. I am able to consent regardless of the law insisting that they’d like to override all our decisions due to having a diagnosis of autism. I am human. I am an equal. I have feelings. I don’t see that society takes these aspects into account. I don’t need to be told who I am. I don’t want to feel forced into what others consider a normal existence or face punishment (that is always how it seemed while I was growing up under the so called support system).

I have finished some parts with help from my Mother. I’m not sure about the hallway cream because they seem quite patchy. It isn’t easy to paint cream colours but as it’s rented accommodation I’m trying to stick with neutral colour schemes. The other one is a lavender colour. I have sore dry hands from painting which isn’t pleasant. We aren’t doing the painting over the weekend so my hands can have a break. They were fine until they got so dry that parts of my skin cracked. Incase anyone is wondering. The little toddler above is my son and a painting he did when he was still quite young. The painting isn’t much but it’s all (he was forcibly adopted at 14 months old) I have apart from the photographs I’ve kept of him. The other photo my cat photobombed as she insisted on sitting on her cat tower starring at me. That is Mimi, one of my fur babies. She is exactly like her eyes are portraying in the photo.

I managed to do two full walls of paint with the roller today. I am used to painting as we have been doing each room. I just never got that fast until today. The first coat is on both walls. The second is due to be put on tomorrow. That will be my job again but it’s not going to be so much work as it’s merely painting another layer over the previous so that it looks even on the whole wall. I feel like I’ve ran a marathon. I haven’t exercised for a while apart from the odd walk. It feels hard moving around more again.

Lockdown was a lovely break but now we have to get ourselves back to normal activities. I have become the type of person I never thought I’d be. I have always been motivated towards goals in life. I lost that recently. We couldn’t go anywhere during months of lockdown conditions anyway. Even if I had wanted to socialise it was technically banned. I say technically because many broke the restrictions during lockdown. It seems that a lot of things went out the window during those few months. I saw some dangerous actions involving people drink driving. There was one guy who strolled into our corner shop admitting he was a bit drunk while getting another drink. He got into a car to drive after he came out the shop. I was going down there for alcoholic drinks but I hadn’t drank alcohol beforehand. I walked instead of driving due to the shop being so close to my home. The fact that I’m a lightweight when it comes to alcohol is beyond the point. I would never drive after having a drink. I may have thought about it while I was younger but I’m more sensible now. We are all stupid when we are younger though. I probably should have avoided alcohol throughout being pregnant with my son but I still had a social drink when I was out. Moderation and the odd occasion doesn’t hurt. It certainly didn’t do my son any harm. You can drive up until a certain limit which is also moderation. Drug driving has become a much bigger problem on our roads recently. Only the other week locally a two year old was knocked over by a driver who had been drinking and taking drugs. The two year old was severely injured due to his carelessness. Luckily he was convicted and received a driving ban for a year or so. Those types will just get back on the road after their ban has expired and do exactly the same again. I don’t think lockdown has helped anyone with addiction issues. I didn’t drink regularly before lockdown started. I hadn’t drank alcohol in over two years. I’d just kicked my addiction to painkillers too. I even lost weight at the start of lockdown because I had completely detoxified myself. The only substance I would have daily was caffeinated drinks, soda and tea. I started drinking more water to dilute the caffeine from those drinks. I don’t remember exercising a lot but I did walk every few days.

I used to be the opposite of what I seem to have become. I’m always too tired to exercise which has materialised into no motivation. Exercise seems harder than it used to be when I carried less weight. I see lots of clothes that I cannot fit into and that is depressing. I never had a weight issue previously because I could exercise the pounds back off. I can’t any longer because I’m not the same person now. I used to tolerate exercise alongside being naturally self motivated. I always had the inner ability to push myself. I seem to have lost that relentless resilience as I reach my mid 30s. I find my weight gain depressing. I would love to slim back down. I just have the mindset that goes never mind I cannot be bothered so there’s no point working to change my body size. I don’t even want to be this way. I just struggle to be enthusiastic about anything nowadays.

It’s difficult to be bothered when mentally every day functioning feels like climbing a mountain at the moment. I enjoy food and alcohol too much to ever be slim again so why even try? It’s a common fact that you cannot consume alcohol most evenings and be able to lose weight. I like my lifestyle more than exercise.