I have been struggling but I’m not lazy.

I have struggled for a long time with depression, my autism and the affects of trauma. I know that my flat got a huge mess. It looks like I haven’t even tried but I did attempt it. Depression causes constant tiredness. Trauma causes a persons brain to lose some functioning. Tasks that once felt easy and routine become the equivalent to a marathon. I asked for help a very long time ago but the services made my life worse rather than better. The people around me turned away after I confided my feelings to them. Then, one of them even sent me to prison after they got a restraining order against me. This is why I believe that there is no human kindness when it comes to supporting people with mental illness or/and autism. I was diagnosed with Asperger syndrome as a 16 year old. I was never told anything about the label. I was never given treatment until after the courts labelled me a criminal and sectioned me at merely 18 years old. I was barely an adult, newly diagnosed and backwards for my age. They sent me to a psychiatric hospital where I was the youngest in a adult ward where a percentage of the patients had violent outbursts. The CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) is renowned not to work for autistics but they were still only offering that treatment. I couldn’t ever have a normal life after all the records stemming from that time of my life. I found out years later that most of those notes weren’t correct. I was a victim of bullying by that police officer who first started triggering me so that I would get upset. She conditioned myself and many other vulnerable adults which resulted in no one helping us and being sent down the criminal justice system avenue.

I’m in this current situation due to everyone that turned away or punished me when I was asking for help. I was saying that I wasn’t coping. I was feeling overwhelmed. I never get anything done which makes my surroundings a mess. Then my thoughts are chaotic. I am then never able to be organised. I can’t function properly due to the mess. The mess around my surroundings cause me sleep issues. I simply cannot settle down when it’s got to a disorganised chaotic state. It’s too much for me to sort out on my own once it gets to that stage. I experience executive dysfunction in environments that are too busy. Busy also means when the environment is disorganised and grubby. It hasn’t helped that my vacuum cleaner stopped sucking properly. I’m using my other one now. Trauma can affect me for many days, occasionally months, at a time. I can’t do anything properly even if I attempt to do housework etc when that happens. I can’t keep up with every day stuff at the normal speed of someone who didn’t have a head injury as a child. I zone out when my mental health is going downhill. I just glaze over when I’m talking to others. I even get vacant eyes. I can be independent but I need some support sometimes or things go into crisis level. I normally just get asked to leave or get lost out of someone else’s life once it gets to that point. That causes me more trauma on top of what I’ve already experienced. I experience more loss which also causes mental illness symptoms.