I know that I’ve been saying that I’m happy and settled. That has mostly been true. The reason I was contented is something that I kept hidden for a while. I was relying on alcohol every night to make me feel that way. Albeit it’s only about four small bottles of wkd a night … it’s still drowning my sorrows and masking how much I cannot stand life when I’m sober. The fact that I still saw life as a chore even after drinking all four bottles tonight means that my alcohol consumption is no longer helpful. I would just like to point out that alcohol consumption is rarely ever helpful because it doesn’t change anything. The only thing it actually achieves is a way to forget your problems temporarily. It can be okay in the short term but then the habit just doesn’t have the same numbing effects any longer. Luckily I’ve gone off the stronger types of booze nowadays because I cannot stand the taste of stronger alcohol. I can’t keep drinking even the lower levels of alcohol either though. Alcohol is still a poisonous substance over a long period of repetitive daily consumption. I no longer feel happier after my nightly session. This is exactly what happened when I had a problem with painkiller addiction. They worked for many years to perk me up when I felt down…. then the effect stops. I basically replaced one addictive substance with another. I came off the painkillers months ago but then slipped into the habit of replacing that vice with alcohol. It’s not something I consciously chose to do but it happened. I just feel so unhappy without something to make me feel contented at the very least. I have tried to mask my unhappiness because I’m aware that others expect me to get over my past experiences and move on. That is the only way that I could even start to move on. I had to numb myself with alcohol and pretend to be happy. Then others started to be more accepting of me due to being able to see the me hidden behind alcohol consumption.