This is how I truly feel about life right now. TW: covers addiction.

I know that I’ve been saying that I’m happy and settled. That has mostly been true. The reason I was contented is something that I kept hidden for a while. I was relying on alcohol every night to make me feel that way. Albeit it’s only about four small bottles of wkd a night … it’s still drowning my sorrows and masking how much I cannot stand life when I’m sober. The fact that I still saw life as a chore even after drinking all four bottles tonight means that my alcohol consumption is no longer helpful. I would just like to point out that alcohol consumption is rarely ever helpful because it doesn’t change anything. The only thing it actually achieves is a way to forget your problems temporarily. It can be okay in the short term but then the habit just doesn’t have the same numbing effects any longer. Luckily I’ve gone off the stronger types of booze nowadays because I cannot stand the taste of stronger alcohol. I can’t keep drinking even the lower levels of alcohol either though. Alcohol is still a poisonous substance over a long period of repetitive daily consumption. I no longer feel happier after my nightly session. This is exactly what happened when I had a problem with painkiller addiction. They worked for many years to perk me up when I felt down…. then the effect stops. I basically replaced one addictive substance with another. I came off the painkillers months ago but then slipped into the habit of replacing that vice with alcohol. It’s not something I consciously chose to do but it happened. I just feel so unhappy without something to make me feel contented at the very least. I have tried to mask my unhappiness because I’m aware that others expect me to get over my past experiences and move on. That is the only way that I could even start to move on. I had to numb myself with alcohol and pretend to be happy. Then others started to be more accepting of me due to being able to see the me hidden behind alcohol consumption.

Author: Diary of a Painfully Shy Introvert

A blog written by a female diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome but suspected PDA in more recent years. Musings of a Trainee Battleaxe was created to not only create awareness of the PDA part of the spectrum; but also to educate the public hopefully creating understanding in order to stop future generations being let down and labelled negatively. Disclaimer: There may be parts of this blog which viewers may find upsetting as it contains accounts of real life events which have been quite traumatic. However, it is all to help create a sense of understanding and combat the fear surrounding all aspects of mental illness and Pathological Avoidance Syndrome (a very little understood part of the autistic spectrum).

6 thoughts on “This is how I truly feel about life right now. TW: covers addiction.”

  1. I love the honesty in this blog ( btw Iv been reading them all).

    I used to struggle with an alcohol addiction but Iv practically beat it. Let me know if you need any support on this am happy to help 🙂 joe

    Sent from my iPhone



      1. No addiction is stupid. Like you said in your post you went from one addiction to the other


  2. You have replaced one with another.
    So you did really well to quit one. But you replaced it.
    Accountability made me quit completely. Let me know either way if u want any assistance. 🙂



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