I had utter hate and resentment for myself over the last 4 and a half years. This was all due to another persons opinion of me. The fact that they also got me sent to prison also traumatised me. I don’t care about anyone else’s opinion of me. I took them to heart which ended up destroying me for many years. I ended up with an inner hatred for myself because of how people labelled me. The things that were done to me (exclusions from education, being convicted of crimes, getting sectioned and having to put up with a lot of bullying from those that knew my past) made me convinced that I was an awful weird person.
I never knew that I haven’t been the only one who has experienced this treatment. That makes me feel slightly better but the self hatred is hard to stop because that is what got ingrained into me over many years. I ended up feeling that I was an awful person that others don’t want as a friend. That isn’t unusual for an autistic person after much social rejection in life. I wish that someone would take responsibility for what the system did to me. That would have a positive impact on my mental health. The whole of my life has consisted of all parts of the system denying any failings and proclaiming that fault is laid elsewhere. This isn’t right. The damage that has been done by those working within that system should at least be acknowledged by the employers that have allowed that abuse to happen by employing individuals that caused the harm to vulnerable adults. The whole system needs to be overhauled because at the moment it only works for a small minority of service users. Those that don’t fit into specific boxes aren’t helped by our current system.