Blogging break – to write a traditional book.

I have made the decision that I’m going to take a break from regular blogging. I’m attempting to write a traditional book which I’m going to try to get published. I can’t keep writing for free. I need to at least attempt to make some form of career out of one of my talents. I’m not going to get things done unless I put the blog on hold for now. There are nearly 2000 entries on here to read while I’m on a break. I need to properly focus on writing a proper book for traditional publication otherwise I won’t concentrate on the project properly. I might even have other news when I return to writing the blog. I’m not sure what’s going on myself yet. I would like to make writing a career because at least I would be able to earn decent amounts of money rather than relying on the welfare system. The writing industry is hard to break but it’s all about getting lucky. Best sellers have happened for people who thought that their writing / story telling skills weren’t professional enough to be successful.

Depression creeps up on me :(

I’m having one of those days where I just want to sleep. I did some of the things that needed doing but now having a rest because I don’t have any energy. I feel overwhelmed by what needs to be done even if it’s small jobs that take less time than it takes to think about doing them. I have brain fog too. I barely have any milk. However, going out to get some from the corner shop is just not happening today. It can last until tomorrow if I only use it for tea and skip breakfast cereal tomorrow morning. I sometimes need to reset myself. I’m sure that I’ll be okay after my brain has had a rest. I’ve barely used my brain for anything but functioning. That feels like climbing a mountain when depression is clawing you down continuously. I’m on antidepressants which sometimes doesn’t work. They make me unable to feel part of life. I literally cannot feel any type of feelings any longer apart from sadness. They’re not supposed to make depression worse but I think I’ve been on them too long. I was given that medication as a teenager. They weren’t the same antidepressants. I have been on different ones over the last 15 years. That’s literally half of my life. They’ve numbed my brain now. It didn’t help that throughout childhood I was treated with medication for epilepsy which I didn’t actually need as it turned out I was misdiagnosed. I’m starting to feel the damage that it’s all done to me at this age. They say that these medications are supposed to make you feel better. They’re only like using a plaster because the progress is only temporary. In the end, they just lead to you withdrawing from life. You don’t want to do anything, dislike spending time with anyone and sleep is the only place you want to be. I have tried so hard to fight depression this week. It’s all messy in my flat because I just haven’t done enough. I’m just a failure at the moment.

Two mental health related cases: Jonty Bravery and Zoe Zaremba.

I will start with the circumstances regarding Zoe Zaremba’s situation because I knew her via the #ActuallyAutistic community on twitter. I have previously spoken to her directly about our experiences within the mental health system alongside an Autism diagnosis. We started communicating a while ago due to sharing similar experiences within the mental health/social care system. We had basically both been failed in similar ways. Although, I am now in my thirties when she was only 25. It sounded like she was still in the thick of the unhelpful mental health support system. Many of us are now aware that she went missing, then unfortunately, her body was found eight days later. These cases are extremely sad but not a rare occurrence. Those of us that knew her via the Autistic community only found out what had happened because of the news article being shared between us. She was one in many people who have lost their lives due to being failed by the services. I don’t know the full details but most of those that have lost their lives have been neglected by services; subsequently having been left in a mess they either become reckless or suicidal due to mental health problems (and in some cases medical problems) becoming severe. Zoe was just one example of the system failing those with mental health problems and autism etc. There has already been several people approaching the local council support saying that they are to blame for her death. I cannot confirm or deny that fact. I wasn’t directly involved in the case so I do not know what fully led up to the outcome. The council where I live failed me too, but somehow I’m still surviving despite having my suicidal low points a handful amount of times in a year. I have unhealthy ways of coping which is probably extremely self destructive but I count myself lucky that I’m still alive at this age after everything that has happened to me. I didn’t think that I would make it passed 30 due to how things affected me. I had my son at 24, by her age I was a Mum but still similar in regards to naivety and vulnerability or I wouldn’t have lost my son to adoption. I know that it’s even harder to be a younger autistic person. I noticed how different I was in comparison to others during my 20s. I seem to remember that my mind was always busy and tormented. I only seem to have settled down after ending up in Prison in 2018 because I knew that I couldn’t live that way any longer.

I now get to the second case of Jonty Bravery that was in the news yesterday. He was jailed for 15 years for throwing a 6 year old child from a viewing balcony of the Tate modern gallery, London. The child didn’t die but sustained life changing injuries which has resulted in him needing a wheelchair and also requiring 24 hour care. He is described as ‘autistic with a mixed personality disorder’. He was known to have a ‘history of violent conduct’ and his support staff was fully aware of his intent to kill someone a year before he carried out his premeditated actions. He was under ‘supported accommodation via the care of Hammersmith and Fulham social services with one-to-one supervision’. I will never condone his actions towards the little boy or having an intent to kill another whatsoever. I fully disapprove of violence, let alone intention to kill, as part of my moral fiber. I would like to point out a few things in relation to this case. The court report quoted ‘ at the time of the incident, Bravery said he had done it because he had wanted to appear on the television news’, ‘later he was also heard to have said “It’s not my fault, it’s social services fault”. Then there were comments that he said to police such as ‘he had been seriously unhappy recently felt like he had to do something to get out of his accommodation’. He had even gone as far as researching how to kill someone, picking his preferred methods. He openly made a point of saying he had to ‘prove a point to every idiot who had ever said that he didn’t have a mental health problem that he shouldn’t be in the community. Despite this being quite a bizarre attempt at asking for proper appropriate mental health help, it sounds like he was actually crying out for help after he first expressed his feelings to his support staff. He wanted to go to Prison for a long time because he knew that he wasn’t ‘mentally safe’. The only way that someone gets decades in Prison is by carrying out a brutal act like murder. He was just 17 when he actually attempted his plan. He must have been 16 when he was planning this act the previous year. I know what it’s like to be that age. I did stupid things to cry for help but I didn’t know that this was the reason I was acting that way at that point. That brings me on to my reoccurring point that I’ve made several times over a number of years. Those of us that are autistic look younger in many cases. We might also have brains that age slower, meaning that we mature at a slower rate too. I have always felt a decade behind my actual age group. The stupid things I did as a teenager (may I point out that it would never have been to the same degree as this act) probably was equivalent to using the decision/thinking process of barely someone who has reached the age of criminal responsibility (10 years old). I was the same age as the teenager in this case. His thinking sounds like a child’s thought process in the way that it seems to involve simple logic that an adult normally complicates to equate to some form of whole picture which tells them that the plan isn’t right and/or appropriate to actually carry out in reality. I’m 33 this year. I still have a thought process of a twenty something. I still had the thought process of a teen in my twenties. I have taken longer to mature which involves logical decision making evolving from reckless to safe. I still have my moments when I get annoyed at things that I feel is injustice. However, I think all of us that absolutely can’t stand injustice will always have those times with the state of the world we live in. I think that someone should do research into whether we are biologically backward in thought processes and cognitive development. I’m not a professional. I do not have the means or resources to carry out the research but I’m more than happy to join a taskforce attempting that kind of task.

We need to remember that behind each ‘case’ of the above circumstances, there are people involved. I hope that the young boy who was attacked by the teenager doesn’t grow up thinking that all those labelled with autism and personality disorder exist to potentially harm him. Each time something tragic happens which ends in a death or severe injury at the hands of an autistic or someone with mental health issues I personally feel like I should do more as an individual. In reality, I’m only doing as much as humanly possible. There was a ten year old girl called Rosie killed at a Christmas party back in 2004 (when I had just been diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome) by 17 year old, Paul Smith, diagnosed with the same condition. Apparently, there had been previous attacks on victims of similar ages. That reflects negatively on the rest of us that were growing up at that time. I was the exact same age as this boy at the time this incident occurred. I got treated negatively, labelled and sent away to a hospital after my convictions (like many others did due to the stigma of high profile cases). There have been parents within the last 24 hours, since the news of sentencing and case details were released, fearing that this latest case will have an impact on the way that their children’s issues are viewed. I would hate to see history to repeat itself for the next generation of autistics who are currently only teenagers or younger at this time. The stigma is extremely soul destroying. The labels are brutally unfair when it comes to individuals that get swept up into categories after these high profile cases. I’ve even tried to reach out to the Rosie May’s parents who run the foundation named after her. I didn’t get a reply at the time I tried to bridge the gap between how they see autism due to what happened to their daughter and trying to get them to see that not all of us were a danger. I suggested that we worked together to create a future where both their daughters legacy could live on but autistics weren’t demonised. I understand that they will always remain bitter towards autistics because the actions of one autistic led to their daughters death. I have one major goal in life. That is to help others find their peace from everything that has ever hurt them. I know its hard. I haven’t truly found my peace with things in my life yet but I honestly believe that it is possible. I’m not a believer in god. However, I believe that when we join together as people, the changes we can bring to society, the world and everything in it, can bring much needed circumstances for the majority of us who are different.

Still confused, nothing seems to make sense.

I have popped out for a walk because I need a break for a while. It’s sunny but not too hot today. I felt like I was melting only walking down the road yesterday. I even got a bit burnt after just walking to the shop and back. I was literally only outside for half an hour. I have really frizzy hair too so I think the sun may have burnt it over the last few days. I had it up for the last two days but I cannot by out to dry it in the sun after I washed it while still damp. I hoped that it would reduce the frizz but it’s still massively on the wild dry side. I actually don’t have hay fever today which is a surprise because it says the pollen is high.

I also need to think because things are still a bit confusing for me right now. I still look pregnant but I can’t prove it if she doesn’t w one of those cryptic ones. I’ve had monthlies all the way through the months I’ve had my suspicions. They just aren’t like they were. I had to take something to stop it acting up this month. One way or the other I’m going to find out over the next few months. It’s already coming to get to the 40 week mark. I have a noticeable bump in the dress that I’m wearing today. I’ve felt really deep aches over the past couple or days. I’m extremely impressed if I am pregnant as I was very large by this point with my son. He was 9lb. And no, it wasn’t able to happen naturally. I’m built tiny. I still get asked for ID to buy things in the shops so basically built like a teenager. That also works against me when I’m trying to get them an older than me to actually take me seriously. They look at me and just think she’s too young for now know what she’s talking about even if they’re not aware that I’m mostly decades younger than most around me. It’s hard to establish yourself in any type of career when people only see you as a child because you may not be that young but you still look a teenager without makeup. If my ID wasn’t a full driving license with all those official details listed I don’t think they’d accept my ID as proof of age. Looking young and being syory basically gets you viewed as a child alongside the autism which is also socially a disadvantage.

Quiet, boiling day…

I only went down the road to get a few bits from the corner shop. I’m boiling and probably got burnt again. The sun is so strong that I could feel it burning my arms. I keep drinking water. I finally no longer feel headachy. I also went to bed quite early last night due to being exhausted from walking in the heat yesterday. However, I did wake up during the night because of the heat so I didn’t end up getting more sleep than normal. I’m just an awful sleeper. That has been me my entire life. I’m naturally nocturnal. I enjoy the night hours when it’s dark and quiet. I also enjoy the sun too but can’t have both unless I’m awake during daylight hours. I’m sat here eating fruit and drinking a glass of wkd. It sounds more glamorous than it actually is in reality.