Waking up is quite hard today.

I didn’t sleep until after 5 am. That is when I last remember looking at the clock anyway. I was up again by half 10 but I haven’t woken up properly yet. I had a random dream but can’t remember any of it. At least I know that for once it was probably not a nightmare otherwise I would have remembered it.

I keep forgetting everything at the moment. It’s like my mind keeps going blank every so often. I really need to sleep more at night because during the day I probably only sleep three hours at the most. I’m starting to feel sleep-deprived after a while of that pattern.

I wish that I was one of those people who could sleep easily. There are actually people that have no issues falling asleep, don’t wake up throughout the night either due to dreams or needing the toilet. I envy them so much. I can only manage that on rare occasions.

The lockdown isn’t helping anyone’s sleep anyway because routines have been changed suddenly for many of us. I’ve always had insomnia. I used to get to college at 9 am after half an hour travel time. I had to be up at 7 am. I sometimes did college on barely an hour’s sleep. I don’t know how I was functioning but somehow I managed to do it. Maybe this is why over time I’ve began to feel worn out.

The lack of sleep has made me ill over a long period of time. I couldn’t see it until it was too late. I know that it affected my mental health. I’m always moody and don’t want to do anything. That’s okay for lockdown but not normal circumstances. You can’t have a normal functioning life in that state. It’s easier to become a recluse due to having no energy to do things.

I get tired easily when socialising anyway. I presume that is due to my autism. I feel better after socialising but it leaves me exhausted. I can only be social in short bursts. I’m not even choosing to be antisocial… that is just how my autism affects me. I would love to finally be able to settle. It would be lovely not to feel anxious a lot. I just can’t seem to do that at this point of my life. I worry about things constantly which prevents me from ever truly being relaxed.

Relaxing is hard when you’ve got a child out there somewhere but there’s nothing you can do to be part of their life. You still feel things but at the same time you’re also disconnected. Existing is your only purpose. Living will never be truly possible. Even if the future consists of being reunited with him… it won’t be the same.

You’re all talking about adjusting to a new normal. That is extremely hard. I have never had a normal life. It’s extremely difficult to adjust to circumstances of a new normal. Your mind knows that these new circumstances isn’t how it’s supposed to be. Your mind will fight with itself as it struggles to come to terms with changes that aren’t natural.