I’m not bothered about my weight gain any longer.

I have decided that for someone who is naturally curvy to maintain a size 8 to 10 figure when approaching mid 30s. I want to be able to chill about having the odd cake without feeling overwhelmingly guilty about lacking self control afterwards. I already naturally lack energy so trying to stay a certain size will be quite hard. I’m enjoying drinking wkd on a nightly basis. I feel relaxed. It’s impossible to be really skinny and consume alcohol. It is stressful to stay slim nowadays. I’m at the age where it starts getting harder. If I can stay a size 12 the rest of my life then that would be an achievement. Curves expand when you get older. I thought that it wouldn’t happen to me in my mid 20s because I had barely any fat on me. I had lost a lot of weight and no longer ate the same things.

I eat a mostly vegetarian diet now but still heavier than most vegetarians. I literally only eat meat at my mums now because she won’t let me not eat some meat there. Otherwise I would be full vegetarian because I don’t particularly like the thought of eating animals. I cannot stand cruelty in any form. I never used to think like that but I moved away from home as a teenager and met mostly vegans in my circle. I don’t know how that happened but I’ve always seemed to meet either vegans or vegetarians. Some of them had other views which personally offended me. An example of one of those views was that of a college friend who believed that people were born with disabilities due to having committed horrendous acts in their previous life, i.e murder. I do believe in karma from past lives but this particular belief will make disabled people feel that it’s their fault if they were born with their difficulties.

In regards to what I was saying originally though… I have decided that I’m going to accept my body getting curvier. I don’t want to get fat but a bit of excess weight is still healthy. I’m finding lockdown restful due to not having to worry about potential social commitments. I like being able to use the current circumstances as a reason to not go out much. I don’t even go for a walk every day now. I’m happy that way because there are less demands placed on me. I know that it won’t be like that forever. That is the part that makes me anxious.

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