Sleep problems… the major reason behind my issues.

I haven’t slept again the whole night. I only slept for 3 hours at the most during the day for the last two days. The reasons are simple but quite hard to fix.

The sleep issues aren’t coronavirus related; I have always had problems getting to sleep. I constantly worry about being picked up by the police for things related to my autism. I can never relax. That is exhausting when I’m constantly on edge. I need to be able to relax but other people can’t be trusted. This is not a feeling but my actual experiences, as readers will know all about.

The only way I can sleep in this state is with sleeping tablets. The GP will no longer prescribe them.

I have barely slept in years. I’m getting so tired that my head actually hurts and I get sore eyes. I can’t function without more sleep and I never catch up due to already having a backlog of sleep deprivation. I need reassurance that no one will legally come after me. There is no way of getting that guarantee. I cannot do this any longer because the sleep deprivation is starting to affect me quite badly. I even get forgetful. I get that exhausted I end up in tears. There’s no point ever saying this to anyone because they can’t help; noone can reassure me when it comes to the potential actions of others. I’m always on edge, unable to ever relax. I burnt out mentally ages ago. Physically it’s getting harder not to burn out. I feel like I’m on my last part of physical endurance because sleep deprivation has drained all my stored energy and caused my health to spiral downhill. I am practically held together by a thread. That’s how it has started to feel over recent years.

There is no way of getting reassurance that others won’t report me for my autism traits.  As a result, relaxing is impossible, therefore no chance of getting proper sleep. I have valid reasons to worry: others cannot be trusted to do anything right, or rather not do things wrong to make another persons life worse.

I simply cannot settle unless there was a way that stops me having to live my life in fear. This is no way to live. I wish that I could make myself sleep but I can’t when I’m having to live my life constantly fearing for my freedom.

Today has been long despite getting up late.

I got up late but actually got quite a lot done. I did some cleaning that I had been putting off for days. I made myself go for a long walk because I haven’t gone for one in a few days. I needed some fresh air but had to come back half way through my walk to sort out the stray cat. He wanted to come in for food. I had to put flea spot-on on him because he was passing fleas onto both of my cats. They all had spot-on put on them today… much to their protesting. I had to wait until they were chilled out otherwise they will end up running around the flat. The last time we did the routine flea treatment that is what happened. I had to retrieve Mimi from under the coffee table and Mister tried to scratch me after running around for ages. I got it much more timed right tonight. One was eating, and the other two were half asleep when I put their treatment on.

I missed Killing Eve on television earlier, so now I’m watching it on BBC iplayer. That was on BBC 1 when I was out on the second half of my walk. It may be quite late right now but I will sleep after the long walk earlier. I have broken my own rules by making a cup of tea. The caffeine is probably not a great idea at 1 am in the morning. This Villanelle (nickname due to looking a bit like her) has now settled down for the night. I’m probably going to be asleep after I’ve watched this episode on BBC iplayer.