There is literally no cool air tonight. The heat is just too much. I can’t sleep. I’m relaxed because I had alcohol earlier. I woke up too late to take my medication yesterday. I’m therefore quite out of sync in regards to time. Surprisingly, I can function but sleep isn’t easy when I miss them. I’m enjoying the lockdown routine. The way that there are no expectations to be somewhere at a certain time. I can sleep late without feeling like I’m missing anything. I don’t ever want that to end but can’t live in lockdown mode permanently. We will have to go back to appointments which could be morning etc. It seems too early to lift the lockdown restrictions to the level that they’re announced from Monday. If we do get a second wave of virus outbreak the government is making a huge mistake. Most of the scientists advising the government don’t seem at all sure that all the lifting of restrictions are safe. I’m still not sure. I’m merely a member of the public just judging the risk by the statistics they’ve given out on a daily basis. We haven’t got our rates of infections and death rates down enough. Trend lines on a graph doesn’t say much about our current situation. It may be appearing to go down in numbers but those figures still suggest that a significant proportion of the U.K. are still swamped by the virus.
The hospitals are still dealing with the first wave of patients infected with the virus. We may end up like other countries hospitals. Patients were being left to die because there was just too many cases being admitted. In one country, I can’t remember where it was now, staff abandoned a care home leaving the residents to fend for themselves because the home was filled with the virus. After their lockdown ended, the home was discovered abandoned with barely any residents left alive. This situation is exactly how our government is potentially endangering us in the event that our second wave hits. In employment law, staff can legally leave their job environment if they feel that that situation is unsafe. We could potentially have hospital and care staff abandoning their positions due to not feeling protected by ppe. The equipment may be okay while the virus is at this level but if it suddenly peaks again they’ll be having to use a lot more of it. I’m not prepared to get stressed over it. I just see the easing of lockdown restrictions as too much of a risk when putting them alongside the current statistics. We aren’t even in single figures with death rates yet. Also, we are still in the thousands when it comes to new cases.
I’m going back up to visit where I used to live when everything has reopened. I miss the karaoke nights there. It was never the same back in my home town. Lockdown has taught me that I should never hide away from the world. I got out of the care home and have no social services around me. I am now equal. This is what I wanted for many years. I never saw it that way until the lockdown happened. I don’t have to fear anyone else. I have worked hard in life just like everyone else. I shouldn’t feel intimidated by anyone. I also will not be gossiped about in regards to what happened with my son. That is the past. I’m not that person any longer. I was young once… I made mistakes just like every single other person. We are all thrown into this world without a clue about who we are or what this existence is all about. I’m at least honest about my screw ups, unlike many others. That makes me a better person than most. I’m completely real and authentic. I can’t be afraid any longer. People are going to judge and say things behind my back. That happens more if I’m not out there. I’m not hiding any longer because I don’t have a reason to be ashamed of who I am or any of my life experiences. That is my advice to anyone else too. Those of us that survive the pandemic of 2020 have now seen how fragile life can be. Those people that got the virus had plans, hopes and a life. They never got to do any of those things. Those of us that are still alive after this pandemic is finally over will be the lucky ones. We all took life for granted. We complained about the things that annoyed us etc. Those things seem insignificant after covid 19 has swept through our country causing 30 odd thousand deaths and still rising. All the stupid disagreements we had between each other no longer seems such a major issue. We may have a vast amount of sadness at that point in time but those we have lost would want to see the togetherness and community spirit remain after the pandemic has passed. We don’t know what the future is going to bring…. appreciate every single moment, don’t take others for granted and join together to make things better.
I think that I need to go see the doctor (or perhaps dentist) as soon as everything is open as normal. I was cleaning my teeth tonight, then there was bright red blood in the sink. I occasionally get bleeding but not that much. I’m hoping it came from my teeth rather than anywhere else. I did drink the whole pack of 4 wkds tonight. The sugar in things are starting to affect my teeth now I’m getting older. I have had tooth ache on and off for months. I also grind my teeth when I’m asleep so that probably doesn’t help much. I don’t realise I’m doing it… especially when I have a nightmare until I wake up and my jaw aches. I don’t have nightmares much nowadays but I do still have odd dreams (some are quite entertaining actually). I could write a book from the details of my dreams if I remembered the entire narrative in them.
I had to miss my medication today because I forgot to order it in time. I’m going to have to cut the dosage to 1 tablet because even if I order it tomorrow. Friday means it won’t get here until at least Tuesday due to the weekend. If it’s balanced then it should be ok. It has just completely slipped my mind. I have to reduce them at some point. Now is as good time as any. I’m not doing it purely to lose all the weight I gained. I’m not sure that is going to help because I think that is increased alcohol consumption alongside more fizzy drinks. I do still drink water but probably should drink that rather than unhealthy stuff. I’m not drinking too much in one go but just probably every night for the last fortnight or more has been too frequently. I probably also should not drink alcohol if I’m still not sure whether I have one I’d those cryptic pregnancies happening. I’m not going into details on here but my monthlies aren’t like they used to be. I still have them but they are spotting before and after a few days of what I would class as normal for me (well, slightly worse but that still varies quite a lot). I may be on the edge or finishing them forever because they can happen at that point too. I’m not even 35 yet. There are certain things that point in the direction of those types of pregnancies as I got talking to those that have experienced this weirdness. They can last up to 22 months depending on how fast it develops. I have to stop drinking fattening stuff so that I can see if the larger middle of me is caused by that or not. If it doesn’t go down in a few weeks I will know that something weird is happening to me. I am overdue to all my tests at the doctors but due to lockdown I was told it was unclear when they will get done. I’ve had a bad feeling that my smear test isn’t going to come back normal. I delayed going to get it done by at least 6 months before lockdown started. I know that what I’m experiencing definitely isn’t normal. I’m just hoping that it’s not going to come back with cancer or something along them lines. Or I get a double shock that I am pregnant and got that going on. That is another thing that I keep trying to put out my head but it’s nagging there. I know what I’m like when I just ‘feel things’. I’m right too many time’s to completely forget what my intuition keeps telling me. I know when it’s just me worrying etc. I don’t want to be pregnant but it won’t stay out of my head. This isn’t medication related. This is a constant whether I’m on it or not. Anti depressants don’t mess with perception of reality unless you drop them completely. I’m not doing that but merely working around forgetting to order my next prescription. I never normally forget. I’m the kind of person who doesn’t need to write their things down. I can remember information like a database.
I also want to point out that I will not be doing readings or using my ‘gifts’ for those of you that have doubted or taken the piss out of me for them in the past. The fact that we are in weird circumstances at the moment doesn’t excuse that in the past certain people never believed me and merely saw me as a freak. I also need to discuss what happened with another certain person so that I can sleep properly. I am aware that it’s easier for them and myself if we leave everything in the past. That can’t happen because I know that we were supposed to meet. We have to be talking a little at least to make what I was need to make happen. I will take the lead and they can work from the background if that is what they prefer. The loose ends with the outstanding court order has to be tied up before things can even move in that direction. Or, in this case, more appropriately we have to untie the contract. I have absolutely no hidden motive. There is a part of me that does still find them attractive in that way but I’m far too scared of them to ever go there. I feel other people’s energies remember. Theirs scares me and quite honestly it always did but I wasn’t bothered back when we first came into contact.
I’m off for an early night. I need sleep. I have a headache. I took a painkiller and now I’m going to attempt sleep. I will not be checking my phone tonight. I also request that no one comes to my window in the middle of the night either. I need proper sleep. I literally will never be able to catch up on the sleep that I’ve missed over many years of insomnia. I just need a few more hours during the night. I probably only get two hours of consistent sleep per day because I frequently wake up. I will feel better if I just get a few more hours.
I have some spare time as standing in a queue at the supermarket as it isn’t too long (in comparison to a few weeks ago it is short). I walked from home to here and walking back. I have my really ugly fatty legs out. They aren’t as fatty as they can get but still I feel self conscious. I want some colour on my legs. The only way to do that is either expose them or fake it. I’m not very skilled with fake tan. However I put it on, even with gloves, I seem to end up with brown fingers. I already did a huge mistake earlier. I shaved my legs before I put on my shorts, then put coconut oil to take off the dry flakey stuff. I just realised that the stickiness has attracted dirt from where I had been walking. I only realised after I went to scratch an itch on the back of my leg. It did seem like a good idea until that happened.
I also got woken up again last night at a stupid hour. I am now behind with everything again. I was just about to go to sleep. I may have acted unfriendly. It it was 3 to 4 am in the morning! I don’t want to get involved. I want a peaceful life! I don’t sleep well anyway. If anything puts me on edge I know that I’m not going to be able to sleep. I’m not in the best frame of mind myself when I haven’t slept a lot.