I don’t feel like I’m coping much. In general, not lockdown related.

I tried to reset my sleep pattern today but I got too tired. I still didn’t get anything done. I didn’t go out because I look really awful at the moment. I need to find my tweezers. I have eyebrows threads that need removing in the middle. I have a few spots around that area which is making it stand out even worse. I have hair full of oil. Even so, it still seems quite dry. I have just put conditioner on the ends and rinsed it off with cold water (hopefully it will wake me up).  I haven’t even straightened my hair this week. The air must be dry outside. I only went out there for about half an hour yesterday and my hair was frizzy dry when I got back. I have a dry sore nose because of my hay fever. I always look a little crappy after I’ve had a migraine that has lasted a few days. I feel like I wasted another day having fell asleep. I kept waking up every hour last night after only falling asleep at 4 am. That means I technically didn’t have proper sleep. I feel worse when I don’t go out for a walk in this sunny weather.

I think that I’ve changed but not for the better. I used to be socially motivated a few years ago. I’m totally the opposite nowadays. I don’t feel anything now. I know that this is the side effects of antidepressants and that it is more preferable to being depressed. The fact that I don’t feel emotions any longer is something that isn’t helpful to me. I no longer want to socialize or push myself to do things like the old me. I’m happy to stay as I am now for the rest of my life. I’m no longer ambitious or even like other people. I used to at least try to make an effort socially but now I can’t even be bothered. I’m always tired due to my sleep pattern being completely messed up. I get tired anyway because of being anemic. I don’t feel right at the moment because I’ve had a migraine most of the week as well as the usual monthly issues. It has behaved itself much more this week. However, I still have a bit of an upset stomach. That’s getting better though. I’m still convinced that I’m an evil person though. I just cannot feel not evil after my encounter with a certain person and their friends. They indirectly conditioned me to believe that I’m evil despite me telling myself that they can be just as bad. I can’t understand why the whole situation damaged me so much. I think that it only did that because I was already mentally weaker after my son’s adoption. It would help me if certain things changed but I know that they won’t do what I need because that other person is determined to hold on to the view that they have for the rest of their life. Their actions against me are the reason why I am convinced that I’m evil. I’ll never trust another human being after their antics. The irony there is that I was attracted by their vibe that was a little bit weird. Maybe I felt their evilness when I met them. I was too inexperienced to properly identify exactly what kind of energy that they were giving off. I hate myself that I will always be attracted to whatever I felt despite knowing what a complete nightmare that they can be. I still care even though I was treated awfully by them. I know that I shouldn’t because they don’t give a shit about me. That is made totally obvious by them knowing fully how this has affected me quite severely. I’m public about how I’m affected so they have absolutely no excuse to act ignorant to how an encounter with them has left me. If they were a decent person then they would do their best to fix the damage that they caused me. In the last two years since they left their job at the university there has been no attempt to fix what happened. I therefore feel that they don’t want to put things right. I can’t change that fact unless they willingly get to that point themselves. Meanwhile, I’m stuck feeling that I’m evil and not able to enter into other relationships (even friendships) because of how things being left as they are has affected me.

It’s all so quiet…

Considering that we are locked down, online life has been rather quiet. You’d think that it would be more busy but everyone seems to have better things to do. The stats of this blog has been extremely low today. I think that we are all getting a bit bored in lockdown now. I had writers block most of the time this evening. I’m struggling even to write at the moment. The scarf that I’m knitting is getting longer. I think I may have numbed my mind too much. At least I don’t have a streaming nose today. That only happens when I go outside at the moment. I went to get a few bits from the local shop earlier (not actually going to the bigger supermarkets most of the time during lockdown) and by the time I got back my nose had decided to start playing up. I even had allergies inside yesterday. That yellow stuff is out in the fields which surround where I live. I know that those set off my hay fever. Plus, we have blossom trees outside our block of flats. The blossom is flowering so there is bound to be high pollen levels wafting from them. I also keep sneezing so there must be something flowering near where I live that is causing my hay fever. Is it possible to not even feel down or happy? I am sure that I feel that way right now. I just have no feelings either positive or negative. It is like I’m just existing in an indifferent mist of what is life right now. I need to sleep at a decent time tonight because someone is coming to service the boiler. I cannot get up at 3pm for just one day. I have an odd sleep/wake pattern but tomorrow I will have to change it. I’m hoping that I get to sleep because sometimes I just can’t sleep when I know that I have to get up by a certain time. It’s not just about being up. I need to make sure that I’m dressed and awake properly. I’m already way behind a lot of things I’ve meant to have done. I just haven’t felt like moving much. I don’t even go for a daily walk any longer. I get hay fever and a headache every time I go outside since the weather got nicer. This week hasn’t been great in general because I’ve felt like crap most of the time. I’m glad that I finally got rid of my migraine.