Barely slept :( Right now I’m not doing best.

I barely slept all night. I didn’t go bed until about 4 am. I kept waking up every time I went to sleep. I feel like crap this morning. It hasn’t helped that I have fallen off the wagon with the painkillers over the past few days. I had a migraine which is why I bought them. I can’t just take one because the addiction side is still there. It only gives me a lift for the first day that I take them. Then I end up progressively feeling ill if I keep taking them. Then I don’t sleep because they have caffeine, codeine and paracetamol in them. That is a mixture which causes anxiety after a few days of build up. I already naturally am quite a jumpy person. I’m the type that jumps at every small noise because of my life experiences. It hasn’t helped that I missed my antidepressant medication yesterday. I can feel my brain chemicals messing up. I have a headache from sleep deprivation. The thing about sleep deprivation being a form of torture is completely accurate. The headache is just a mild symptom of being sleep deprived. It gets a lot worse. I have literally started seeing things that weren’t there after waking up when I haven’t slept properly for weeks. Faces and trees are the main things I start to see  when I’m between being awake and asleep. I don’t know why it’s those particular things but it’s never anything else.

I want to sleep at the moment but mister, the cat, is hyper this morning. He’s been too noisy since about 6 am. I just want complete peace but now it’s morning everything has gone louder. I’m just wanting peace nowadays. I’m prepared to leave everything that I don’t agree with alone for the sake of obtaining a life where I do not constantly have to be on my guard looking over my shoulder for either police or anyone wanting to get me into trouble. I can’t do that life any longer. I wouldn’t let go of all the things I argued about unless it was affecting me badly. I can’t live my life on edge and living in fear of police any longer. I know that this is what causes my sleep problems. I’ve lived in fear since my early teenage years. Is it really worth the hassle of rebelling against the decisions of those in authority when I get absolutely no where and end up punished? I’m too old for that kind of stress now. It’s far too much and has given me health problems. I’m walking away from the things I can’t change which is out of my hands because I don’t want to not be able to sleep properly any longer.