Day: April 20, 2020

I managed a few hours sleep this morning but I don’t feel like I’ve actually had any sleep though. I woke up in a complete mess and had to shove everything in the washing machine. I also had to have a bath because the mess was all over me too.  I feel fat because my bloated stomach is twice it’s normal size today. I’m resting on my sofa sipping water occasionally hoping that I start to feel a bit better soon. I probably won’t until tomorrow because that’s always the case when my monthlies kick off. I can’t move far today. I took my medication to stop the bleeding which seems to have worked but I’m not moving around much. If I walked down the road today then it probably would just flood again.  I got my smear test reminder telling me I was overdue for the test. I was aware that I needed to go before the lockdown. Apparently, the GP is still doing them.  I think that I may have a problem. If I can rule out cancer at least I can relax about a lesser issue. I need to know because I’m feeling ill a lot and my monthlies are worse than they’ve ever been. It’s consistently doing exactly the same pattern every month now. A member of my family has just passed away from breast cancer so I’m not sure about my risk factor. I have felt that things have been a bit dodgy for at least a year now. I’ve always had these monthly issues but they’re even more erratic recently. I also feel tired a lot even when I do sleep properly. I’m probably not going to be lucky if I have got cancer in regards to treatment. The referrals take few months or weeks if do find anything. Lockdown has stopped a lot of cancer treatments and hospitals aren’t safe to be in right now due to the virus outbreak.

I barely slept all night. I didn’t go bed until about 4 am. I kept waking up every time I went to sleep. I feel like crap this morning. It hasn’t helped that I have fallen off the wagon with the painkillers over the past few days. I had a migraine which is why I bought them. I can’t just take one because the addiction side is still there. It only gives me a lift for the first day that I take them. Then I end up progressively feeling ill if I keep taking them. Then I don’t sleep because they have caffeine, codeine and paracetamol in them. That is a mixture which causes anxiety after a few days of build up. I already naturally am quite a jumpy person. I’m the type that jumps at every small noise because of my life experiences. It hasn’t helped that I missed my antidepressant medication yesterday. I can feel my brain chemicals messing up. I have a headache from sleep deprivation. The thing about sleep deprivation being a form of torture is completely accurate. The headache is just a mild symptom of being sleep deprived. It gets a lot worse. I have literally started seeing things that weren’t there after waking up when I haven’t slept properly for weeks. Faces and trees are the main things I start to see  when I’m between being awake and asleep. I don’t know why it’s those particular things but it’s never anything else.

I want to sleep at the moment but mister, the cat, is hyper this morning. He’s been too noisy since about 6 am. I just want complete peace but now it’s morning everything has gone louder. I’m just wanting peace nowadays. I’m prepared to leave everything that I don’t agree with alone for the sake of obtaining a life where I do not constantly have to be on my guard looking over my shoulder for either police or anyone wanting to get me into trouble. I can’t do that life any longer. I wouldn’t let go of all the things I argued about unless it was affecting me badly. I can’t live my life on edge and living in fear of police any longer. I know that this is what causes my sleep problems. I’ve lived in fear since my early teenage years. Is it really worth the hassle of rebelling against the decisions of those in authority when I get absolutely no where and end up punished? I’m too old for that kind of stress now. It’s far too much and has given me health problems. I’m walking away from the things I can’t change which is out of my hands because I don’t want to not be able to sleep properly any longer.