I need to stop feeling so tired. This week is always a difficult time for me.

I’m trying to do every day tasks but I keep getting tired. I have been knitting again today. I don’t have such sore fingers now because they’ve got used to the repetition of that activity again. I haven’t been for even a walk in four days. I left my hair longer to wash and now it feels caked in product. I was tired. There is no point using excess energy to wash my hair when I’m not going out even for a walk. The various household tasks feel like climbing a mountain at the moment. Maybe I have a bit of the virus but probably not because I have none of the other symptoms. I get tired a lot sometimes during normal circumstances. I can’t be tested for anaemia again until everything goes back to normal  as routine tests have been put on hold. I was told that I would get a phone call in July at the earliest to book me in for the routine blood test. I literally had my routine test scheduled for the week when the government was about to put everything into lockdown. The receptionist told me that even they didn’t know what was happening because instructions were changing by the hour.

I could also be experiencing depression tiredness due to my sons birthday being on the 16th. He will be 8 years old. I haven’t seen him since he was 14 months old. I wouldn’t even be recognised by my own son because he’s grown up thinking the adopters are his parents. He’s calling someone else mum which is something that hurts me. She (or even he, if it was a gay couple) wasn’t there when he was born at exactly 9 am on that morning. I was the one that was induced and subsequently in labour for the whole weekend. I went through that pain so that they could apply to have a child of their own. They don’t even appreciate that enough to write to me occasionally. I was never a risk to my son. I got post natal depression and begged the doctor for help but all they did was report back to child protection due to my son having been put on a child protection plan for historical reasons when I was pregnant. I was bullied until I couldn’t take anymore and said the wrong thing and then they walked in and started care proceedings. Those adopters would never have been told the full truth. If they wanted a child of their own so much I’m doubtful that they would even care how they made that reality happen. I will never get over being repeatedly bullied by child protection under the guise of their ‘protection plan’. I only signed paperwork saying that they could access information on me because I was told that they needed my signature to provide support (as I was classed as a disabled adult). I’m not disclosing details on here out of any kind of bitterness related to the whole situation. The adoptive parents need to know the truth because the crap that the councils put on record are either fabricated or twisted aspects of the ‘truth’. I don’t want to upset their family life but my life was turned upside down indirectly because of them wanting my much wanted child. The authorities may lack humanity but as humans it’s only fair that I get to be in my sons life even if he never calls me mum. There was no contact order made with the adoption order. On the original care plan it said that I was promised letterbox contact at least once a year. That was withdrawn because I challenged the adoption. I got punished for the rest of my life because, despite having post natal depression etc, I challenged the councils legalised bullying to put parents on impossible child protection plans designed to push them over the edge so that they make a mistake and their babies were taken for adoption. I shouldn’t be made to suffer for the rest of my life by not even getting some form of contact. The current situation means that my son may die or be left orphaned because coronavirus strikes either him or his adopters. I have a right to know if he’s dead or alive after the outbreak has subsided. The situation is being compared to a war scenario. This legally means that we are not in ‘peace time’. In unprecedented times there are exceptions that need to be made. It is therefore my business to at least know if my biological son is ok or just even alive after we come out the other side of the outbreak.