I was watching something on television earlier about shoplifters. Some of the things that were in that program was quite hurtful towards me. The fact that the young woman had an option to get her baby back in the future after he went into care at 6 months old. It didn’t say where the baby was currently placed but that’s not the point here. The point is that she was hooked on drugs and alcohol. I have seen this happen many times. There have been many cases I’ve known where children were able to stay with their parents or parents could claim them back from the system. This was in the UK, not the USA, where adoptions can’t legally be reversed. The USA has a two year period written in their law which allows a parent to reclaim their child from adopters if they can prove to a court that they are now in the position to care for them. I am referring to the UK system here. I wasn’t addicted to drink and drugs (not even painkillers at that point). I had a medical problem which affected me mentally, part of the autistic spectrum. I have since met those with Bipolar and other much more complex mental health conditions that have managed to stop their children’s adoptions (even those with babies). They still get to see their child or at least have letterbox contact. I’m not allowed despite being less of a danger than some of those others.
I NEVER did anything harmful to my son. I merely reacted to the stress that children’s services put on me. I was the victim of malicious reporting which was proven before the court proceedings commenced. I was put under that stress due to the malicious reporting. Therefore that should have proven that the whole case was bogus and discriminative against me as an autistic person. I know that things have slightly changed after myself and others challenged the councils legal team in a family court setting. That means all the cases that were mismanaged or aligned with any form of discrimination should be at least rectified for the benefit of ALL parties that were involved. I wouldn’t ask for custody of MY Son (biological is thicker than adoption paperwork as we will always be connected) at this point because it’s been too long since he got placed with the other people. I deserve at least some reconnection even if it’s just letterbox or meeting up in a formal arrangement with him and the adopters. I’m a stranger to him now because I haven’t seen him since he was 14 months old (he’s now just turned 8). I wouldn’t expect him to be alone with me until he knew me quite well and felt comfortable. At the moment this injustice has just been done to me and I was punished for reacting to something that I knew was plain unjust. They expect me to calm down, stop annoying others long term to the point of getting reported to the police etc so that I can move on with my life… but if I don’t reconnect with my son then I’ll never actually settle properly. It isn’t humanly possible to be able to settle properly after that misjustice. In the past, women who have had their babies snatched at birth have ended up in asylums because it drove them mad. I’m on antidepressants because chemically I can’t rebalance until I fix certain things or at least get a better deal than I am doing presently in regards to those situations I need to fix.
Those that haven’t previously encountered the system in England (and most of the time Wales has the same, Scotland differs in certain judicial areas) are now seeing just how much of a mess it is after the outbreak of Covid-19. Those of us that have already been involved in the system relying on services; especially social care was already aware of all the failings. We need to take the opportunity to reorganise the system after the virus outbreak has passed. The failings that have been flagged up during this crisis need to be sorted out but so does many other things. The autistic community have been talking about the repeat failing of people with our condition for a long time. We were just brushed under the carpet or made out to be untreatable/unmanageable so that the system could make an excuse not to provide services. This is our perfect opportunity to draw the systems structure right back to basics and create a system that helps, cares and actually protects vulnerable people post the coronavirus era. We need to ensure that people are helped rather than punished. This means less focus on putting people with issues through the criminal justice system, refraining from excluding those with mental health related conditions (no longer having to do so because a proper structured system is formulated to prevent those sort of situations), being more inclusive as a society in general. We need to have more accessible help systems… not just accessibility but also services that actually work to have a positive outcome for those needing their support. We need to be less financially focused when it comes to the provision of these services. People power is the right way to aim. I’m not saying that professionals shouldn’t be paid for these services but we need to make help services less of a money churning industry. Those at the top shouldn’t get paid inflated sums of money who already have enough to live on (you can see this by the size of their houses, holiday destinations, designer clothes, cars etc). Whether we like it or not, we have all been taken to the same level at the moment. This means we are effectively all in the ‘same boat’. That has never happened before in normal circumstances. This is a terrible time but everything happens for a reason. We need to use this time to create a new type of future that is more pleasant for everyone. If we just carry on with what we had pre covid-19 then all the lives lost and disruptions to our way of life will not be worth anything. We owe it to the people that worked in the system who have sadly lost their lives. They were failed too. We can’t allow others to be failed repeatedly in the future in a system that isn’t fit for purpose.
I managed to get half of the housework today. I’m counting this as a success because it’s taken me weeks to get that far. I can look at it without feeling stressed out now. Eventually I got tired, hungry and needed to sit down. I got to the point of knitting my scarf where I have to add the next ball of wool. I left it on the sofa where I thought that the cats wouldn’t touch it. I just managed to stop Mister knocking it off the knitting needle. He decided that he simply must paw the scarf because he seemed to like the feel of it. I wouldn’t have caught him if I hadn’t been sat on the sofa when he decided to grab at it. That has taken me over a fortnight but could have been destroyed by the cat in a few minutes. Then I’d have nothing to show for my chosen lockdown activity. Also, I would feel like I have wasted many hours. I only have to sit down on my bed and a cat (yes, normally Mister) plonks himself down on my feet. Mimi has a claim on one of her favourite spots on my bed. They’ve fallen asleep. I may join them soon as I could have ‘an early night’ due to the time only being just passed 8 pm. I would normally feel ashamed at falling asleep in day clothes (one’s I haven’t been outside in – to those that will say I’m playing roulette with the virus risk) but, as everything is not ‘normal’ at the moment, I feel like it’s okay. I wouldn’t do it every single day but why get up if you’re comfortable and can reset your awful sleep pattern? I’m even drinking water which is unusual for me. I have made an effort to drink more water. I have less caffeine in my system due to replacing my normal tea or soda consumption with water. I don’t think that I can be truly boring by cutting out tea and soda altogether. I have tea without sugar while I’m at home nowadays. I need to work on sleeping properly and more hours in one go… this doesn’t come easy to me regardless of how hard I try to ‘fix it’.
I am sure that many of you remember when I blogged about delving into the whole dating venture. I was determined to find someone long term for the first time in my life. That is no longer a goal for me. I would rather be on my own after those I came across during that venture. The more I got to know others put me off the whole idea of being in a relationship. The task is a lot more complicated than it seems studying the dynamics from an outside perspective. I feel selfish by saying that no one seems to meet the standards I expect. There wasn’t one person that I got to know who didn’t have something that I found irritating about them. Then the others were complete users. I never felt that anyone truly cared. In all honesty, most of the men I got to know have just wanted one thing. None of them saw beyond what was physically in front of them. I wanted an emotional caring connection but most just wanted a good time. I don’t want the excess stress and hassle of another person. It’s just extra worries that I don’t need in my life. I won’t just jump into an arrangement that isn’t comfortable to me or anything that doesn’t involve a deep connection which is more than physical. I have matured passed the point of an attraction merely being completely physical. I want to marry someone who is like a best friend alongside everything else. If that isn’t available then I would rather spend my life single away from the added hassles of being in a relationship. I certainly am not missing out on anything. The experiences that I had while exploring the dating idea definitely isn’t something I wanted to go through. Therefore, I’m not missing out on anything. I feel irritated by others if I’m around them a lot because I got used to being alone. I never seemed to feel a proper connection with anyone so far. I probably haven’t met the person I’m meant to be with at this time. I firmly believe that not everyone has a soul mate. Some are meant to be alone because it’s how it’s supposed to happen in the timeline of someone’s life. I’ve had more than one person I knew as a youngster (teen) say to me that getting with them could have diverted my life from how it materialised. They can’t see that it would have made no difference due to the type of person I was as a teenager. I was always a lone wolf type of person. I preferred to walk alone and think independently as a teenager. There was absolutely no way I’d ever have gave up on my ambitions to be with another person back then. I had a mind that worked at a hundred miles an hour. I never thought about the future. I was convinced that I wouldn’t even have children at any point. I didn’t dream of getting married like most young girls. I’m open minded at this point but it’s not something that I definitely want in my future. I like my life as a single person in comparison to being in a relationship.
I tried to reset my sleep pattern today but I got too tired. I still didn’t get anything done. I didn’t go out because I look really awful at the moment. I need to find my tweezers. I have eyebrows threads that need removing in the middle. I have a few spots around that area which is making it stand out even worse. I have hair full of oil. Even so, it still seems quite dry. I have just put conditioner on the ends and rinsed it off with cold water (hopefully it will wake me up). I haven’t even straightened my hair this week. The air must be dry outside. I only went out there for about half an hour yesterday and my hair was frizzy dry when I got back. I have a dry sore nose because of my hay fever. I always look a little crappy after I’ve had a migraine that has lasted a few days. I feel like I wasted another day having fell asleep. I kept waking up every hour last night after only falling asleep at 4 am. That means I technically didn’t have proper sleep. I feel worse when I don’t go out for a walk in this sunny weather.
I think that I’ve changed but not for the better. I used to be socially motivated a few years ago. I’m totally the opposite nowadays. I don’t feel anything now. I know that this is the side effects of antidepressants and that it is more preferable to being depressed. The fact that I don’t feel emotions any longer is something that isn’t helpful to me. I no longer want to socialize or push myself to do things like the old me. I’m happy to stay as I am now for the rest of my life. I’m no longer ambitious or even like other people. I used to at least try to make an effort socially but now I can’t even be bothered. I’m always tired due to my sleep pattern being completely messed up. I get tired anyway because of being anemic. I don’t feel right at the moment because I’ve had a migraine most of the week as well as the usual monthly issues. It has behaved itself much more this week. However, I still have a bit of an upset stomach. That’s getting better though. I’m still convinced that I’m an evil person though. I just cannot feel not evil after my encounter with a certain person and their friends. They indirectly conditioned me to believe that I’m evil despite me telling myself that they can be just as bad. I can’t understand why the whole situation damaged me so much. I think that it only did that because I was already mentally weaker after my son’s adoption. It would help me if certain things changed but I know that they won’t do what I need because that other person is determined to hold on to the view that they have for the rest of their life. Their actions against me are the reason why I am convinced that I’m evil. I’ll never trust another human being after their antics. The irony there is that I was attracted by their vibe that was a little bit weird. Maybe I felt their evilness when I met them. I was too inexperienced to properly identify exactly what kind of energy that they were giving off. I hate myself that I will always be attracted to whatever I felt despite knowing what a complete nightmare that they can be. I still care even though I was treated awfully by them. I know that I shouldn’t because they don’t give a shit about me. That is made totally obvious by them knowing fully how this has affected me quite severely. I’m public about how I’m affected so they have absolutely no excuse to act ignorant to how an encounter with them has left me. If they were a decent person then they would do their best to fix the damage that they caused me. In the last two years since they left their job at the university there has been no attempt to fix what happened. I therefore feel that they don’t want to put things right. I can’t change that fact unless they willingly get to that point themselves. Meanwhile, I’m stuck feeling that I’m evil and not able to enter into other relationships (even friendships) because of how things being left as they are has affected me.
Considering that we are locked down, online life has been rather quiet. You’d think that it would be more busy but everyone seems to have better things to do. The stats of this blog has been extremely low today. I think that we are all getting a bit bored in lockdown now. I had writers block most of the time this evening. I’m struggling even to write at the moment. The scarf that I’m knitting is getting longer. I think I may have numbed my mind too much. At least I don’t have a streaming nose today. That only happens when I go outside at the moment. I went to get a few bits from the local shop earlier (not actually going to the bigger supermarkets most of the time during lockdown) and by the time I got back my nose had decided to start playing up. I even had allergies inside yesterday. That yellow stuff is out in the fields which surround where I live. I know that those set off my hay fever. Plus, we have blossom trees outside our block of flats. The blossom is flowering so there is bound to be high pollen levels wafting from them. I also keep sneezing so there must be something flowering near where I live that is causing my hay fever. Is it possible to not even feel down or happy? I am sure that I feel that way right now. I just have no feelings either positive or negative. It is like I’m just existing in an indifferent mist of what is life right now. I need to sleep at a decent time tonight because someone is coming to service the boiler. I cannot get up at 3pm for just one day. I have an odd sleep/wake pattern but tomorrow I will have to change it. I’m hoping that I get to sleep because sometimes I just can’t sleep when I know that I have to get up by a certain time. It’s not just about being up. I need to make sure that I’m dressed and awake properly. I’m already way behind a lot of things I’ve meant to have done. I just haven’t felt like moving much. I don’t even go for a daily walk any longer. I get hay fever and a headache every time I go outside since the weather got nicer. This week hasn’t been great in general because I’ve felt like crap most of the time. I’m glad that I finally got rid of my migraine.