I’m reluctantly awake. I would rather go back to sleep but I have so much to do before the official lockdown laws are passed tomorrow. I have to be in front of things rather than chasing my own tail, as I normally function. I have a cat laying next to me cleaning itself. They have such a wonderful chilled out life. I wish that I could sleep most of the day with food on demand. I am very tired from lack of sleep. I’m sure that I’m not the only one laying awake worrying what will happen over the coming months. 2020 has been dominated by the virus spreading around the world. This proves my point exactly about repeated numbers not always being positive signs. I’ve been seeing them everywhere for a decade now. I started to notice them more after my son was born. Then the amount I saw on a daily basis increased rapidly. I’ve seen them a stupid amount of time’s on a daily basis at the moment. I refuse to be afraid of these repeated numbers. I used to be but now I accept them and they therefore do not but me. I’m still not a fan of certain numbers like 555. I can never like that number. I like 444, in fact I read up up that page of 1984 last night. I didn’t even consciously stop at the page 444. I just read until I was feeling sleepy then realised the number. I keep seeing 1717 on my mobiles click. I happen to check my phone at that precise time nearly every day.
I always wondered why someone just didn’t seem to like me. That continues to bug me and affects my confidence in a negative way. The cards that came out was quite interesting and they made some sense. I am apparently too open and direct. I apologise but if I pretended to be the opposite then I wouldn’t be authentic as a person. I tried to make myself into something that they could like a while ago. I now realise that those decisions do not make me happy. I wanted to do the law degree but I also thought that by doing a degree in the same subject as they had would get them to like me. I’ve now grown up and realised that I can never make another person like me. Copying aspects of another persons life decisions definitely won’t work. I don’t have the right skills to be successful in a law degree. I have discovered this problem in the first year. I’m also not intellectual. We are so far opposite to each other that if we did make friends we would constantly clash. I never wanted to accept that when I met them. I thought that I could change to ‘fit their mould’ so that they would eventually accept me. That’s never going to happen. I checked the cards to see if things ever changed regarding the order and the situation as it stands. The cards confirmed that nothing will ever change, the order will stay on and things will be left as they finished. I’m no longer upset about things being that way. Some people are only meant to cross our paths to help us discover who we are as a person. That is what she was in my life. We were never meant to be friends. Maybe the events that happened was the roles we were meant to have in each other’s life. If it’s not meant to be any other way then I could never have forced events any other way. The more that a person pushes against how it’s meant to be, you just end up against more resistance because the future isn’t meant to be how you prefer. It no longer hurts me but I always wondered and had unanswered questions.