I’ve felt so down today! I prefer the night hours. And, I made a mistake with this degree.

I woke up feeling quite down and that feeling lasted most of the day. I ended up cancelling my eyebrow wax appointment. I will tweezer the hair in the middle myself. I only went out tonight for a walk later on because I needed the fresh air. I haven’t walked in days. I still prefer the night in comparison to day. I had also eaten a lot tonight and felt rather fat. I also ended up feeling sick because pasta followed by chocolate (30% less sugar though) is definitely not a healthy combination.

I went out after the shops shut so left my purse at home. If someone did happen to rob me they wouldn’t find anything of value to them. I had to keep phone on me for security and listening to music. I don’t like the council turning off the majority of street lights just before midnight. It is extremely dark in places but it did make me walk faster. I didn’t know what was lurking in the dark. I came across a little dog that didn’t like me. His owner had to stop it crossing the road towards me. Apparently, it wasn’t personal but the dog sees the road as his territory. That is probably why he was walking him off the lead at just passed midnight. The dog would probably cause chaos if walked during the day. I probably smell of cat which wouldn’t help if it’s a dog that doesn’t like them.

I came home, had a bath and now I’m tucked up in my cleanly washed bed sheets. They’re nice fresh on because there is no cat hair on the sheets which prevents my allergies (I have a runny nose a lot). Mimi has started to sit on my pillows which doesn’t help my allergies. She only does it occasionally. She went through a phase of wanting to sit there a year ago. I doubt that it will last long. They like finding different places to sit when they get fed up of their routine stops. I found mister sleeping curled up on top of the cat tower today. That has never happened previously. He decided to plant himself in my cupboard when I went for a walk tonight. He was still sat there when I arrived home. He’s gone out for a few hours now. He’s my vampire cat. He barely goes out during daylight hours. Mimi is ok going out during the day and a while at night. Although, as she has got older, she tends to prefer sleeping next to me on my bed during the night.

I’m very close to quitting my degree. I am trying to stick it out until the end of the module in a few months. I am just beginning to hate the subject. It was fine at first but being surrounded by that whole environment is not helping my depression and inability to sleep much. I find absolutely no satisfaction or enjoyment from the subject of law. I don’t like injustice which is mainly the reason why I decided to take the degree. I now don’t feel that this is enough to stay studying the degree. I’ve spoken to other autistic people with degrees who are a lot older than me. They got 3 or 4 degrees but it hasn’t enhanced their career prospects in the long term. It just ended up a wasted debt around their neck. They don’t get jobs with those degrees due to how their autism affects them. And, when they have been employed, the companies have refused to make reasonable adjustments for his autism. Instead, he was dismissed. Then there is the fact that we aren’t listened to either. Recently, autistic board members have had to resign from organisations that work with autism because they just ignored their views. I would rather avoid being put through all of that after what I’ve already experienced. I’m not advocating giving up but unless social attitudes change, the majority of us won’t get to positions where we can influence future changes. The doorways are still too blocked, especially for those of us labelled as a criminal due to how our autism affects us.  I’m all for fighting to break down barriers but those barriers are made out of much too hard steel (metaphorically) to break down without our lives being made hell. I’ve been there and was previously prepared to kick down those barriers if needed. I lost everything that mattered to me. I was punished for speaking out in the worse way when they removed my son and placed him for adoption. I was labelled a criminal for sticking up for myself. I got put in prison too because I felt strongly about the points I was trying to make and retaliating against how I was treated for the way my autism affects me. I don’t think that any of it was worth the lasting impact in my life. I wish I had put up and shut up right from when I was at school. It would have been much better for me.

I don’t want to be on the front line of the fight for all the issues that affect those of us who are autistic. It’s too stressful because I always got punished for opening my mouth. Those that want to keep autistics silent and subservient will always try to sabotage the lives of those who dare to speak out. I was always a target but this isn’t what I want to be anymore. Please don’t think that I’m his means that I do not care about various issues because that isn’t the case. I need to focus on how I’m mentally affected by the things that were done to me for being brave enough to walk outside the lines trying to get others to listen. It’s not good for me to be in the same position any longer.