Late night again. Busy and now too hot to sleep.

I just finished some of my Open University module. I still can’t sleep because I’ve gone hot. I haven’t got the coronavirus because this is normal for me. I can be freezing or boiling. There is no in between with me. I blame hormones! It isn’t warm weather tonight. I’ve only just closed the window because I can’t leave it open while asleep, also the cats aren’t interested in going out tonight. I’m still getting pregnancy symptoms despite negative tests and having monthlies. Unless it is a cryptic pregnancy (very rare), I’ve told myself that I’m definitely not expecting. I’ve felt random movements but I am sure there is a reasonable explanation. I’m not pregnant on a test… so therefore I am simply not even going to believe I could have a cryptic pregnancy. I can only go by the tests I’ve taken and those were all negative. I’m sure that I will find out in a few months if I’m one of those experiencing the rare type of pregnancy. I’m not going to worry about something I cannot confirm at this point. I’m only thinking ‘oh shit’ when I get symptoms that I remember from my first pregnancy. I then tell myself that it’s in my head because of my son being adopted against my wishes with huge resistance to accept it from me at that time.

I’m bound to feel insecure about having more children due to what happened. I am split between whether I do want more children or not. I’m certainly not going to be a single parent if there is a next time. I’m quite sure that if I had got pregnant recently, despite finding out that this guy had basically been with loads of women at the same time, I’m sure by other aspects of their character that he would have taken an active role. He would take his responsibility seriously even if he’s not that good at sticking to sleeping with one woman. I wouldn’t have been left coping on my own. Although, I made it quite clear that I do not wish to be with him. I’m just fed up of feeling sick on and off, starting to feel more movement than I have done previously (which no longer feels like gas bubbles), I have attempted to lose weight but still have a tiny bump. I’ve convinced myself that I’m not purely based on getting monthly bleeds and negative test results. I haven’t been to see a doctor yet and certainly avoiding them until the virus outbreak has gone down in numbers contracting it in the U.K.