I’m as authentic and probably as transparent as a person can be. However, I completely feel like a fraud because it seems that fake is accepted more than those being their true selves. People can’t even be genuinely nice and caring nowadays without getting accused of having sinister motives. I am just nice because it’s the right way to be. I don’t want anything from anyone. I may want friends but I’m not wanting to take anything from another person.
I probably can’t work with my autism combined with the affects of being traumatised but I still feel guilty for not having a job. I am not a lazy person but I don’t want to be seen in that light due to not officially working. I’m still doing my degree via the open university at my own pace despite the lack of proper sleep. I used to do a lot more than I do currently but I wasn’t affected too badly by what happened to me previously. I probably did feel those affects but because I didn’t really take a break from anything, that meant that I never felt it. I kept going from one thing to another so that I never had to feel the raw emotions of my sons adoption and other things that occurred. I am glad that all my GCSE’s got completed because doing them with the lack of education I had as a child was challenging, especially when it took me three attempts to pass my level 2 maths. If I ever wanted to aim towards some form of work I had to have a certain amount of GCSEs including maths and English. I was quite committed to that goal when I was younger. I’m not so keen after a string of bad experiences when I did venture out.
I didn’t go out today due to desperately needing a nap after not sleeping last night. I thought about going out when I did finally wake up but I decided that I didn’t want to use all my energy up when I had other things to do. I have only had about an hours sleep in the last 12 hours. I had to use the energy from that nap for everyday things that couldn’t be left not done. I am that tired I just want to cry because everything feels like a huge effort. I even found having a bath a long drawn out task. I try not to go to bed without a bath because I don’t want depression to take me to that point. I feel better after I’ve had a bath even if I see it as a huge task I don’t feel like completing. I make myself eat despite not feeling that hungry recently. It’s better to make myself eat rather than feel sick, moody and eventually dizzy. I’m authentic but I’m a fraud because I’m faking every day functioning when I’m finding it all difficult. I feel like I’m putting on a show to blog visitors pretending that things aren’t challenging right now. Depression tries to literally chain a person to their bed at it’s worse. It’s hard to describe how I manage to get out of bed and dressed into day clothes. I feel like I’m fighting my own mind. I’m as positive as I can be when every single day my head is trying to pull me into a hole of depression. I would love to ‘cheer up’ but that would be completely inauthentic. I can put on a smile on a daily basis for others when I do go out. That isn’t being fake, but merely covering the pain I’ve been through. I have been honest and open in the past and got burnt badly. I prefer to not show my emotions in public nowadays. The internet is still public but it’s easier if people can’t see your face as they can’t pick up your feelings from body language.