I’m completely authentic as a person but I still feel a fraud.

I’m as authentic and probably as transparent as a person can be. However, I completely feel like a fraud because it seems that fake is accepted more than those being their true selves. People can’t even be genuinely nice and caring nowadays without getting accused of having sinister motives. I am just nice because it’s the right way to be. I don’t want anything from anyone. I may want friends but I’m not wanting to take anything from another person.

I probably can’t work with my autism combined with the affects of being traumatised but I still feel guilty for not having a job. I am not a lazy person but I don’t want to be seen in that light due to not officially working. I’m still doing my degree via the open university at my own pace despite the lack of proper sleep. I used to do a lot more than I do currently but I wasn’t affected too badly by what happened to me previously. I probably did feel those affects but because I didn’t really take a break from anything, that meant that I never felt it. I kept going from one thing to another so that I never had to feel the raw emotions of my sons adoption and other things that occurred. I am glad that all my GCSE’s got completed because doing them with the lack of education I had as a child was challenging, especially when it took me three attempts to pass my level 2 maths. If I ever wanted to aim towards some form of work I had to have a certain amount of GCSEs including maths and English. I was quite committed to that goal when I was younger. I’m not so keen after a string of bad experiences when I did venture out.

I didn’t go out today due to desperately needing a nap after not sleeping last night. I thought about going out when I did finally wake up but I decided that I didn’t want to use all my energy up when I had other things to do. I have only had about an hours sleep in the last 12 hours. I had to use the energy from that nap for everyday things that couldn’t be left not done. I am that tired I just want to cry because everything feels like a huge effort. I even found having a bath a long drawn out task. I try not to go to bed without a bath because I don’t want depression to take me to that point. I feel better after I’ve had a bath even if I see it as a huge task I don’t feel like completing. I make myself eat despite not feeling that hungry recently. It’s better to make myself eat rather than feel sick, moody and eventually dizzy. I’m authentic but I’m a fraud because I’m faking every day functioning when I’m finding it all difficult. I feel like I’m putting on a show to blog visitors pretending that things aren’t challenging right now. Depression tries to literally chain a person to their bed at it’s worse. It’s hard to describe how I manage to get out of bed and dressed into day clothes. I feel like I’m fighting my own mind. I’m as positive as I can be when every single day my head is trying to pull me into a hole of depression. I would love to ‘cheer up’ but that would be completely inauthentic. I can put on a smile on a daily basis for others when I do go out. That isn’t being fake, but merely covering the pain I’ve been through. I have been honest and open in the past and got burnt badly. I prefer to not show my emotions in public nowadays. The internet is still public but it’s easier if people can’t see your face as they can’t pick up your feelings from body language.

Reset of sleep pattern failed.

I never slept at all last night. I stayed awake nearly all day but I can’t function without a nap. I won’t be able to get anything done if I don’t nap for about an hour. I look slightly less tired than I actually feel right now. The weather is so much better than it has been for a while. I would go out if I weren’t this tired. I feel like I’m wasting a decent day of reasonable weather perfect for a walk. I would do if I had any sleep last night. I’m that exhausted I am using automated email replies that gmail provide. I can’t think today so I will let technology do it for me. If I reply to anyone on social networks with just emojis I apologise in advance. I normally use actual words but I’m lacking energy and had no sleep last night. I’m not even thinking in sentences today. I keep nodding off while typing so this may not even get posted. I am going to sign off because I can’t stay awake much longer.

Late night again. Busy and now too hot to sleep.

I just finished some of my Open University module. I still can’t sleep because I’ve gone hot. I haven’t got the coronavirus because this is normal for me. I can be freezing or boiling. There is no in between with me. I blame hormones! It isn’t warm weather tonight. I’ve only just closed the window because I can’t leave it open while asleep, also the cats aren’t interested in going out tonight. I’m still getting pregnancy symptoms despite negative tests and having monthlies. Unless it is a cryptic pregnancy (very rare), I’ve told myself that I’m definitely not expecting. I’ve felt random movements but I am sure there is a reasonable explanation. I’m not pregnant on a test… so therefore I am simply not even going to believe I could have a cryptic pregnancy. I can only go by the tests I’ve taken and those were all negative. I’m sure that I will find out in a few months if I’m one of those experiencing the rare type of pregnancy. I’m not going to worry about something I cannot confirm at this point. I’m only thinking ‘oh shit’ when I get symptoms that I remember from my first pregnancy. I then tell myself that it’s in my head because of my son being adopted against my wishes with huge resistance to accept it from me at that time.

I’m bound to feel insecure about having more children due to what happened. I am split between whether I do want more children or not. I’m certainly not going to be a single parent if there is a next time. I’m quite sure that if I had got pregnant recently, despite finding out that this guy had basically been with loads of women at the same time, I’m sure by other aspects of their character that he would have taken an active role. He would take his responsibility seriously even if he’s not that good at sticking to sleeping with one woman. I wouldn’t have been left coping on my own. Although, I made it quite clear that I do not wish to be with him. I’m just fed up of feeling sick on and off, starting to feel more movement than I have done previously (which no longer feels like gas bubbles), I have attempted to lose weight but still have a tiny bump. I’ve convinced myself that I’m not purely based on getting monthly bleeds and negative test results. I haven’t been to see a doctor yet and certainly avoiding them until the virus outbreak has gone down in numbers contracting it in the U.K.