I’m tired of certain things. I was psychologically abused by a sociopath and I will not just get over it!

I am aware that this blog may seem negative to others. Those that don’t know what it’s like to be autistic probably can’t see how I’m trying to show the reality of our lives. I don’t have a lot of patience with certain things right now due to lack of proper sleep. I work hard despite everything that has happened. I’ve not given up completely. As far as relationships are concerned, I do NOT trust others enough to be in a long term commitment. I can’t make myself ready to do that side of life. The last person I liked hurt me psychologically and emotionally. They’ve left huge scars that will take a long time to fix. There is rejection which is okay in comparison to how they publicly humiliated me and punished me repeatedly for the feelings I had for them. After that I believe that I’m unlovable and an evil person for who I am. That won’t go away for a long time. I don’t think that the other person realises the gravity of the impact their actions has had a long term affect on my mental health. I don’t sleep properly because sometimes the actual person is in my nightmares or I’m stuck in enclosed buildings resembling prison. And, sometimes I’m even just running in my dreams and wake up full of fear with a severe stress headache. The other things I went through was reasonably straight forward to get over in comparison to the humiliation she put me through. I don’t get to see my son again because of his adoption. That doesn’t seem so triggering as having someone I opened up to discuss my personal life and me as a person with others. I know that they’ve been spiteful behind my back. I had all the evidence forwarded to me while everything was happening a few years ago. I won’t get over that humiliation. I was bullied for a long time by the other person behind my back and I wasn’t even aware for over 2 years. Then when I found out and tried to stick up for myself I was the one that got slung in prison because of an order that was part of their plan to psychologically torture me. I was legally prevented from retaliating against someone who was apparently calling me names like stalker behind my back. I never stalked her. I begged for her help but she decided to throw me under the bus! Then she turned around and blamed me for everything. The fact that no longer has her job at the university was karma coming to bite her after how she treated me. She is blocked on all my social networks and I’m sick of her so called friends getting at me for being negative on the blog. The things that happened was negative and I will not be able to trust anyone again. I’ve moved on but I’m certainly not going to get over what happened.

Another sleepless night :(

I just couldn’t sleep all night. I randomly just realised that I haven’t washed my hair this week. It’s not even got greasy yet. I will start to get an itchy scalp normally when it’s in need of a wash. I feel it getting to that point. I’m not feeling well either. I felt sick most of the night. I don’t know why but that also kept me awake. I even listened to one of those binaural beat videos that is supposed to send you to sleep. It didn’t work. I got relaxed but I didn’t actually fall asleep. I felt actually settled yesterday for a while. Then I dipped back into what feels like a hole. I’ve never gone up and down so quickly in a matter of just hours. Nights can be hard for those of us that don’t sleep well. The hours go slowly and you’re alone with whatever is lingering in your thoughts. I’m not thinking anything much at the moment. I had to rest my brain after doing some of my university degree module earlier. I literally have a brain that is too tired to think at the moment. I just can’t sleep even though I’m extremely exhausted.