I had plans today but when I was getting ready to go out I felt sick with anxiety. I barely slept last night which is making me feel like absolute crap. I can’t function properly today. I have just come on my monthly too which doesn’t make me feel any better. I’m not in pain or anything just down due to the hormonal aspects. I do feel very cold despite having the heating on. I’m wrapped up in a blanket watching the Jeremy vine show.
I think that my past is hitting me quite badly. The fact that I carried on as normal for a long time probably caused more damage. I seemed to cope but my behaviour problems manifested. I should have taken time out after my sons adoption. I didn’t want to think about what happened. I just wanted to get on with my life so that I didn’t have to focus on how much it broke me. I now don’t want to go out because I have a fear of people after everything that has happened. I can cope most of the time but I still feel that intense fear even though it’s not visible to others. I need peace to get over that in my own time. I prefer to be on my own while working through that. I’m sure that will be a positive thing for many of those that just want me to shut up about certain things. I can’t have peace and be out there about these issues. I chose peace because that is the what I need. I have to rely on myself when it comes to healing from the past because the services were crap and reaching out to others just caused extra stress. I’m better off alone and away from unhelpful services / people.