I’m no longer feeling brave. I was confident but now I’m not….

Sleeping isn’t easy when I have things on my mind. I’m going to have to go the doctors sooner rather than later. I can’t live in limbo not knowing if I’m pregnant or not. I had my onesie zip break on me today because it got stuck on the bump which seems to be rising upwards. I think I’m going completely mad when I’ve previously got negative test results from home tests… yet there are times when I’m quite sure that I felt movement. I’m sure of what I’m feeling but on another level I’m afraid my mind is messing with me. I’m not convinced because all the tests I’ve done have been negative and my monthlies haven’t stopped. They are lighter but that doesn’t tell me anything. I didn’t get them when I was pregnant with my son. I also got a positive test within the first 6 weeks of that pregnancy. This time I would be nearly 20 weeks already. The fact that a bump is springing up is physically pressuring me to get it checked.  If I can’t get a positive blood test at the GP then they’ll assume I’m just fat. I can’t be fat because it wouldn’t all just ping out into a bump. I feel that if I get it confirmed either my hopes will be dashed and I will think that my mind is playing tricks on me. Or, it becomes real to the outside world.

I may get the same experience as the first time. There’s so much to organise and I will have to prioritise decorating because I want the place to look tidy and nicer if a new baby is on its way. The cats will need to be reorganised out of the second bedroom. They’ll have to have their tower in the living room and other things in the kitchen. I can’t wait much longer to find out because 20 weeks have gone passed so quickly. The remaining months will also go by quite fast. I can’t just hope for the best and wait to see what happens any longer. I don’t want to seem like I’m being crazy or not be believed because the home tests and my intuition are saying the opposite. I’m not sure that I even want  to go through with birth again. The nearer the potential prospect,  if I’m right, the more I’m dreading that part. I was begging for pain relief quite early in my labour the first time around. I had an epidural but if it’s too late to have one that is never a definite plan. The gas and air didn’t really do anything for the pain. I have a higher pain threshold now but it’s still going to be horrible. The only part that makes up for the pain is when you’re given the baby. I never understood that until I experienced the whole process before. I honestly thought it was total crap about how the pain just becomes irrelevant after you see your baby, but it turns out that was accurately how it pans out. I can’t have anymore sleepless nights due to worrying because I haven’t gone to find out for sure.