I have struggled quite badly to do things today because my energy levels have been low. I did half of what I had planned to do and even then I felt like I was fighting myself. The most annoying thing about being exhausted today was the fact that I actually slept well last night. I was fine when I woke up but then I go tired again. I nearly fell asleep reading my degree module text earlier. I can’t do that otherwise I won’t get the required study hours done. Admittedly this part was quite dull but I still have to learn it so falling asleep is not helpful. I’m not sure if years of lost sleep can hit a person suddenly but that would account for feeling this way. I’m still affected by things that have happened and depression causes tiredness. I can’t remember how many years ago I actually slept properly. It must be at least a decade by now. I sleep but not consistently. I wake up every few hours because of one thing or another. I would just love to sleep an entire night straight through rather than broken into a few hours. I managed to function a few years ago when I attended college for my GCSE’s etc. I can’t do that any longer.
I don’t even feel like the same person since I got sent to prison for that month. I’m starting to feel like an empty shell. The former me has slowly disappeared. I don’t want to be around others much. I used to like being around others people. The feelings that I have regarding the past zaps my energy and constantly puts a damper on any of my positive current life experiences. I still feel the magnetic pull of the darkness from past experiences. I have to summon the energy on a daily basis to avoid being sucked down the dark hole full of unpleasant memories. I can’t avoid the nightmares due to those memories. I learned to like the darker things that exist so that I find it easier. I’m emo with a slice of goth when it comes to being comfortable with the darkness. It is how I accept the person that I am. I don’t want to be average because that is never something that I was meant to be.