I rate today a 3 out of 10.

I got up at a decent hour today. I took my medication at the right time instead of too late in the day. I can’t say that I actually feel that great though. I haven’t been for a walk in a few days and I am definitely not going out in this miserable rainy weather today. Apparently, it’s going to rain all day.   I’ve felt ill today and yesterday. I had a migraine yesterday and felt sick. I still have the end bit of the migraine today where my stomach is being temperamental. I don’t have a headache today though. I just feel tired and quite run down. I still have a cold sore which doesn’t seem to want to go away and I made it worse by picking it. It ended up bigger because I tried to pick it off. I know that it wasn’t a good idea but I was getting bugged by the feel of dry soreness in the corner of my lip. I have at least reset my sleep pattern. I haven’t done much else today yet. I just don’t have the energy because I was still awake at 5am. I probably had barely any proper sleep. I had to at least try to make an effort today. I’m hoping that I will function better tomorrow.

Treatment options didn’t work for me because….(this is our current mental health provision).

I received a comment on a previous blog post earlier. I did reply but I do feel that I should expand on the topic in a separate post. The treatment options I was given in 2015 after I got permanently excluded from university was quite inappropriate and upsetting for me. I’m not a snowflake type of person. I can take quite a lot before I’ve had enough. I was only given the option of being assessed by the local forensic mental health professionals. I went to two out of three assessment appointments. I saw a Psychologist who didn’t understand autism. I could tell by her attitude. She told me to concentrate on things to answer questions. I find that extremely hard. I ended up crying begging for help only to be told that I was being aggressive and accused me of shouting at her but that wasn’t what happened. I walked out of the appointment in floods of tears when I had seen her a few times and ended up distressed due to her attitude. I said that I wouldn’t go back without someone going with me; but I was informed that I wouldn’t be seen unless I was on my own during appointments.

Therefore my decision was to establish that this assessment wasn’t appropriate for me. I didn’t feel comfortable attending appointments with any of that team. Their ignorance of autism was quite apparent by things that were said to me. I was told that it had been put down as being non compliant on my medical notes. There was no reason listed as to why I had said no to the last set of appointments. Frankly, I was treated with more compassion by the prison staff when I ended up briefly in there for breaking the restraining order repeatedly.

I probably do have a mental health condition after my experiences. However, I do not trust the current system for diagnosing and treating mental illness. I go to the GP, get referred to the local mental health team and they basically refuse to see me. The only place I ever get directed towards is the forensic mental health services. I would rather struggle horrendously on my worse days than be treated / spoken to in the disrespectful way I was on the previous occasion when I tried to access help services. The support service and social workers were useless at tackling the discriminatory attitudes. I raised my concerns and subsequently got told my services were withdrawn. I haven’t had any services for probably 3 years now. I was literally dropped by those supposed to be supporting me and a year later ended up in prison due to lack of support.

Progress doesn’t mean I never feel mental illness. And I’m not ‘brave’ for sharing my experiences.

I try to be positive in regards to progress but I’m still struggling with various aspects of mental illness. I’m not officially diagnosed with anything but autism. However, I feel like my experiences have left me with an underlying mental illness. I don’t sleep much. I go through periods of abusing painkillers. I also find that even just existing on a daily basis is like a chore. I probably am heading for a nervous breakdown because I feel run down. It’s taken all my efforts to avoid one so far. People say I’m brave for sharing my story. I don’t see it as brave though. I see it as a duty because if I don’t share my story then there will be no changes implemented to prevent others suffering the same fate. Future generations of autistics are depending on our generation to speak out and push for changes to a whole system that isn’t fit for purpose. I still live in the shadows of much darkness on a daily basis due to my experiences of being autistic in an ignorant society. I don’t think that I will ever be truly over depression, anxiety etc. I just have to make the most of what life I have left. The glass is half empty but it still has something left even if this existence can feel like a chore. I put a brave face on while I’m suffering because I learnt that people don’t like unhappy negative vibes around them.

I’m finally able to mend things!

I have always been the most accident prone person ever. I have also never been able to fix anything that broke while I was using it. However, today the trend shifted. The vacuum cleaner was completely refusing to suck up any bits. I washed out the filter as the instructions recommended. Then it still wasn’t working. While I was using it there was a poof of dust and it started sucking bits up (like it was new again). I only had it since September last year. The cat hair, my hair and cat litter can cause a problematic matted mess of those things in my vacuum cleaners. I can’t really avoid the issue but try not to let the dust holder get too full. I am actually surprised that I manage to fix the machine, admittedly when it unblocked that was technically an accident. I was getting ready to return the product as it’s still in the warranty time limit.

In all honesty I haven’t done a lot today. That at least gives me a sense of achievement after a lazy day. It’s far too cold to go for a walk. I felt like I had walked into ice cold air when I took the bin out earlier. I haven’t wasted the day now that I’ve managed to fix the vacuum cleaner and use it to pick up all the bits that were getting irritating. I’m just having 5 minutes rest… well it’s probably going to be more because I’m going to check out Netflix until my food shop gets here. I’m very tired today because my sleep pattern is still a mess. I was still awake at 5am and didn’t wake up until midday. I’m modifying my sleep pattern slowly. I was waking up at 2 or 3pm most days for a few weeks.

Chilled but sleep pattern a mess.

I am still awake at a stupid hour because my sleep pattern is a mess. I just did my weekly shop online so that is out of the way. I feel sleepy tonight… that is something I don’t normally feel at night. Progress happens when least expected. I was expecting not to feel sleepy after I got up late. I haven’t stopped since I got up. I had a lot to do today. I didn’t go for a walk. I am glad about that because it started snowing. I would rather be inside where it’s warm. I still can’t go for a walk daily yet because my knee is not quite better. It’s not got water in it now but the joint still feels like it’s not quite fixed. I will be back to square one if I overuse my knee. I only jarred something in there when it filled with water. Initially when I injured that knee I kept going the gym which is why it reoccurs over a decade later. I can move about a lot more now which is a lot less frustrating than having  my knee up sat on the sofa for two weeks. I don’t like staying still for long because it gets boring. I get bored trying to get to sleep even if I’m exhausted.