Darkness just hits me sometimes.

I randomly felt sad and started crying at 4am. I was thinking about things that were quite on the dark side. I’m also over heated because the cats have decided to sleep either side of me on my bed. They are giving off a lot of heat because they’re curled up right next to me. I just feel like I’m climbing the walls when I lay awake at night. It does reduce me to tears because I’m always tired or never awake at a proper time. I haven’t felt normal for a while. I’ve completely lost any trace of feeling like I can sleep at night. I have so much on my mind. I never truly get any rest. I need to see a doctor but I just can’t be bothered with the hassle of getting an appointment as it takes approximately a month. Then ringing up means you get directed to 111 to be assessed whether they think you need to see a doctor either that day or within a few days. I can’t let my knee stay full of fluid for much longer. I also don’t want a pregnancy bump if something else is causing it to look like one. I want it gone if I’m not pregnant. If there is a growth in there or something I would like it gone ASAP. I just want everything sorted but I know how long these processes take now. I could have avoided going into a dark place mentally if I had sorted my knee out a few weeks ago and had the bump investigated. I now feel bogged down with everything and overwhelmed. I keep having the most crazy dreams and some of them can verge on nightmares. I need answers to so many things to get my mind to shut up. I hate unfinished things. I feel tormented by having loose ends I can’t ever tie up within my life. I don’t know when I will ever truly feel at peace. I can’t remember the last time I truly relaxed or didn’t have a mind that wasn’t full of noise.