I got up at a decent hour this morning. However, it is now only half 3 and I’ve had to go nap. It just got physically draining to stay awake. I’ve done some things which I saw as the most important. I have the whole week to pace myself when it comes to the more boring tasks. I keep feeling fed up and unable to do much. I’m sure that I will feel more motivated soon but that just isn’t happening at this time. I have to go out on Friday. I don’t feel up to going but others expect me to progress on the volunteer and employment goals. I’m not lazy but they aren’t my goals anymore. I am quite afraid of having anything to do with the psychopaths that are scattered around in a work type environment. I feel like I have to make an effort because it will show that I’m trying to participate in life. I barely even feel like chatting to people online anymore. I’m just not in a communicative mood whatsoever. I used to dislike being lonely but now I don’t mind because I desire peace. I need a break from other people’s toxic influences. People aren’t even aware that they are projecting their own issues into others. I refuse to be projected onto any longer because I will not be a victim ever again. As far as I see it, I would never have got my life ruined if I hadn’t got involved with other people. I should never have trusted anyone and not had any desire for friends. I’m sorry if I sound harsh but if you read my story, on the about em page, my attitude is understandable.
I’m emotionally tired after all that has occurred. I am going to be affected for the foreseeable future. I can put on a smile and pretend to be happy but that isn’t the reality. I can’t get rid of the damage to my mental health by pretending to be ok. I need to rest. The fact that I will never receive an apology for anything that has happened to me is the most draining part. The fact that no one acknowledges that I was completely failed and subjected to punishment for my autism annoys me on a daily basis. They tell us not to be angry, avoid self harm or suicide etc but we can’t be expected to forget our experiences because they affect us every single day. The system has screwed so many cases up by either not being too over protective or completely neglectful. The current system seems to have ruined lives rather than helped people.