Day: December 31, 2019

I’m aware that this is hours early but I don’t think that I will be staying awake to post at midnight. I am already in my Onesie and planning to go to bed probably two hours before the new year arrives. I may not necessarily be asleep. I will reply to new year messages if I’m awake or in the morning if I have fallen asleep.

I have no hopes for the next decade, let alone the next year.  That is how little hope I have for the future. I did another pregnancy test earlier which was negative again. It can’t be too early now. I just have to face the fact that I won’t have any more children and I’ll never probably hear from my son who was ‘forcibly’ adopted in 2014. I’m going to continue living a lie and a life that I despise. The life I wanted was ripped from me and now I don’t even seem to have the ability to have another shot at what was stolen from me.

I had hope last year but all the efforts I’ve made haven’t resulted in any changes. Those of us with autism won’t ever have human rights. I’m supposed to have a right to family life under the Human Rights Act 1998, but I have been denied that. I’m supposed to just accept a wrongful adoption of probably the only child I’m ever going to be able to conceive. That isn’t right and I wish that I could at least have contact with the child that I already have out there but was legally stolen by some so called adoptive parents who couldn’t give a damn about his birth mother. The worse thing is knowing that legally I can’t do anything to enforce the reversal of the wrong that has happened against me. They (UK government agencies) have the law on their side regardless of the mistakes they made towards those of us with disability. Then we just have to lump it and pretend that we are happy. Screw that! I have tried so hard through the proper channels which got me nowhere and then punished for getting upset about the injustice that I have plainly suffered.

And, to the idiots that voted for Conservatives in the latest election, I hope that you’re the ones that get your rights infringed which causes havoc in your lives. The system isn’t going to change under that government. Money is going to be going into things that aren’t appropriate and that doesn’t provide any kind of support for those that aren’t from wealthy backgrounds. Welcome to the next decade, the state of affairs to come will be your fault, hope it finally bites the right people in the ****.

I have done half my housework but I’m having a 5 minute break with the cat who is asleep next to me on the sofa. They both fell asleep while I was doing things. I have done the huge task which is my mass of thick hair washing and conditioning session. In comparison to all the other things I have to do that felt like the largest challenge. I don’t like the task now it’s getting longer but I still want to have long hair. I only have to wash it once a week but if I’m tired it feels like climbing a mountain. I don’t remember sleeping much last night but I had slept for hours over two days when I was ill. I woke up earlier than normal. I need to get all housework done before tomorrow because I’m not tempting the bad luck. I’m not trying to be suspicious but after the events of my life I don’t want to invite any negative things.

I can still feel my migraine but I can function again. I desperately need to get some cleaning done tomorrow because everything looks grubby. I also had to improvise when it came to what I was wearing to bed. I had only managed to put a load of washing on today which included all my pyjamas and onesies. I didn’t realise until I returned home earlier from my relatives house late tonight that I didn’t have any dry. I can’t stand the state of everywhere. I can see that I’ve not been able to do barely anything in 3 days. I can’t be leaving things any longer. I haven’t even started on the state of my unwashed hair. I dry shampooed it but they only lasts for a few days before it starts to look and feel dirty.

I still think I’m going crazy but my monthlies are still being weird. I was only on properly for four days and then spotted on and off for the last two. I still feel pregnant on and off but the test is still saying no. I have gained weight without trying and my boobs look like they’ve been surgically enhanced. I’m on the last hook setting on my bra and half of me is spilling out of the cup part. I am going to test next month if I’m late. The tests will be positive when they’re ready and certainly won’t be if I keep obsessing over trying to find out before it’s ready to tell me. Sometimes things don’t show until late when some kind of monthly is still happening. Whether it’s a fake one or not the hormone doesn’t build up. There is no possible other explanation for the weight gain, the spotting through the majority of it and the symptoms like sickness I keep getting on and off. Mostly at night which doesn’t help me to sleep at a proper time. It’s rare but it happens sometimes. I’ve read that a lot of second pregnancies can be those circumstances. I attempted to lose the weight but I still have a bump and massive boobs. I’ve grown out of a lot of clothes quite fast evening toning up. I tell myself that I can’t be pregnant because the tests are negative and I’m still getting lighter monthlies most of the time. Then I have that nagging doubt in my head that maybe I am.

That isn’t wishful thinking anymore because I wasn’t very pleasant to the guy who would be the father if I am. I basically told him to bog off I wasn’t interested in a relationship. I just can’t shake the nagging feeling that sooner or later I am going to get a positive test and will literally have to take back everything I said to the guy who would be the one who got me pregnant. I don’t think I can stop him from seeing his child. Legally it is probably best that I do involve him but I cannot imagine being together as a couple. I can say that it was hormones making me moody and basically being quite harsh. I would like another child and be allowed a chance to be a mother this time. I’m also not so keen because I am afraid to go through that process again. I know that I cannot possibly mess up even if I get irritated by the likes of children’s services. I will just lose another to adoption or it will get offered to his father. I don’t want that so I’m going to have to be more prepared next time around whenever that time may come about. I will deal with whatever happens but I cannot get annoyed with services again or it will not work out. I will drive myself mad constantly having this on my mind. I’m just going to chill and go with the flow until my body quits teasing me with signs and gives me a solid answer. I’m just hoping that I’m not one of those women that look slightly plump and randomly go into labour thinking that they just have abnormally severe stomach cramps. I would at least appreciate being allowed to be prepared rather than having the predicament sprung on me in about 6 months time.