I’m not okay, you don’t just ‘get over’ certain things.

I am totally fed up with acting like I’m ‘okay’. I haven’t been okay for a long time since going through losing my son to ‘forced’ adoption. I have tried to be okay but I can’t pretend to be happy when I’m actually still broken inside. I thought that in time I wouldn’t be so broken underneath. It is something that is impossible to get over completely. I can act like I’m not affected any more for a while but long term that has become more damaging. I came off of the painkillers when I thought that I might have been pregnant again. I started looking after myself better and I felt some kind of hope for the future. I wouldn’t ever forget my son but I felt like life was potentially giving me another chance. I am now sure that there is no way that I could possibly pregnant.

I’ve recently started taking painkillers a lot again. I barely have any food in the house that is healthy. I didn’t even really feel positive when I got a high score on my latest Open Uni module. I used to feel like my priority was to be a high achiever. That no longer means anything to me after everything that has happened. I don’t want status in any form. I would rather be happy. I used to want fame and to stand out when I was younger. That is something that can’t be further from the truth now. I would have given up all those dreams when I was younger just to just spare my son from being adopted. I’m the first one to admit that I was stupid and quite reckless when I was slightly younger. I have only just really settled down mentally in the last year.

I must have got stronger mentally because I managed to come off the painkillers completely for a while. I know that Christmas is a time where loads of people crumble for whatever reason but I feel bad that I went back on them. I promise myself every time that I will only use them sparingly on a temporary basis but a week later I’ve nearly taken a whole box of 32. I’m not in control of my addiction when I buy a pack. As soon as I get a packet I’m not me any longer. The addiction makes sure that my days revolve around taking them at least once a day. I should have never gone back on those things. I got rid of my headaches and stomach issues when I was off of them. That has now all come back after just a week of being on them again. I can cold turkey but it is extremely painful as it can cause kickback headaches and other pain elsewhere (nerves start to feel again). I would rather try to gain control by keeping what I have left to make the process a little less severe. I’m more angry at myself because I knew that I was doing a lot better before making the stupid decision to go back on them. I wasn’t doing great, but better than I used to be which is positive for me considering what I have been through. These things are going to kill me one day because I’m getting symptoms that I never had for the many years that I was on and off of them (since my teen years). I never felt any damage before I hit my 30s. I can feel my anxiety building up after I’ve been on them consistently for over a week. I’m jumpy naturally but it’s enhanced 10x over when I’m taking these things. I also end up feeling more depressed after the initial ‘lift’ of caffeine, codeine and paracetamol mixture wears off.

I go on the painkillers only due to people expecting me to act like I’m okay when I’m never truly going to be ‘normal’. I can’t pretend not to have autism when that is something I have to live with every single day of my life. Those that tell me to ‘get over’ what I have been through and pretend to be ‘happy’ have never experienced losing a child to adoption. I know for a fact that they would be affected for the rest of their life, just like I am. Then there are some people that assume I didn’t fight to stop my son being adopted. Those have said that they would have stopped the social workers taking their children if they had been me. I did all that I could which I was legally allowed to do at the time. I couldn’t physically stop them taking him from the hospital after the tests that they gave him. I was told to sign the section 20 form to voluntary sign him into foster care by my solicitor to cooperate so that I would be able to get him back at the end of the process. I didn’t know what I was signing until afterwards way down the line. I wasn’t aware of the dark horrendous system which operates in the united kingdom before I had my son.

I heard stories when I was pregnant but I believed that the parents must have done something wrong to lose their children to this forced adoption. I only signed paperwork to allow my records to be signed over when I was pregnant because I assumed that I had nothing to hide from my past. I was tricked at every stage. That is what hurts the most after I lost my son to forced adoption. I was barely given a chance and forced into failing by how I was treated by child protective services. I tried my best to stop my son’s adoption alongside how distressing the situation was for me emotionally. I went into things that got me into trouble and will have gained me enemies for life. I earnt the right to at least have letterbox contact with my son but I was even denied that at the last hearing when the adoption went through. I have stopped being tearful over it now but it doesn’t stop affecting me emotionally, that will remain for the rest of my life. I had a friend suggest that I had monthly issues because of the emotional effects of my son being ripped away from me at the age of 14 months when the contact was ceased for the adoption to go ahead. That does make a bit of sense because spiritually he will always be connected to me but I can’t physically see him again. He’s out there somewhere, my mind is fully aware of that and it’s probably worse than if he had died. It is just a different kind of unfinished grief because the child is still living a life somewhere elsewhere. That doesn’t allow for any closure at all and that will continue to affect me the rest of my life. I can never say that I’m happy because I’m not able to feel truly happy any more. I can fake being smiley and appear cheerful but inside that is impossible for me to actually achieve. I don’t want to pretend any longer, this doesn’t help me in the long term. I may have got into arguments with others and done things I’ve regretted since but I was never angry at those people. I was hurting and snapped at the way certain others treated me. That isn’t who I am normally. I was lashing out and never meant a lot of what I said in the recent past. I wasn’t myself when certain situations started. I wish that I could change those situations long term but it’s not up to me. The worse thing is that I had a lot of respect for that person and looked up to them. I’d love to be like them when I’m older (even though I can hear many of my current friends saying please don’t end up like that). I was just angry at the whole world when we met and very passive aggressive with others. I would love someone one minute and hate them the next due to how things had affected me. I’m not so highly strung nowadays because I calmed down a bit as the years have passed since my son’s adoption; it was rather raw for a few years after everything happened.