Christmas is…

In my opinion, Christmas is just a day traditionally made for an overload of commercialism. I might be getting cynical as I get older but it seems too hyped up nowadays. There are so many people spending Christmas in poverty this year due to benefit changes, high rents and cuts to services etc. That commercial focus doesn’t help those that are already funding it hard. I can’t wait to just reach the end of this year. The last decade has been a constant battle for me. 2020 is the start of a whole new decade. I always feel that repeated numbers are a sign of positive things starting to happen. I don’t make New Years resolutions because they get broken within the first few weeks of January. I try not to get my hopes up in life because I only end up disappointed. I used to have many dreams. Instead I’ve learned to settle for a lot less. I can’t be disappointed if I set the bar quite low.

I may not have a career but I’m happy in my current circumstances. That is because it’s peaceful in comparison to previous parts of my life. I am fortunate that I am not having to work. I need to recover from traumatic things that have occurred in my life. I would be no use to any work place being emotionally exhausted. I have tried to push myself hard when I’m struggling with my autism, depression, anxiety, insomnia. I realise that this approach was only stopping me from healing from my past. I should never try to pretend I’m ok when not over certain things. Time does help it to feel less raw but I will always remain traumatised underneath. I can’t change how sad I feel regarding many things that have happened. I want justice but I know that isn’t possible. I would love for karma to bite those in the system that destroyed me as a person. I have wished for karma to ping it back to those that have just been jobs worth’s and basically not only unhelpful but also made things 10x worse.

I don’t know if the concept of Christmas wishes is the way things truly work. Real life is not magical unlike those soppy Christmas films shown on television every year. I have wished hard for many things but they’ve either not materialised or got worse. I obviously can’t wish away what is most likely my specific fate. I can’t make sense of why my life went so wrong. I never asked to be autistic. I couldn’t help being misjudged or misinterpreted by the neurotypical structure of our society. I can’t make people understand autism. The pda type is the most complex to understand myself without attempting to explain the details to other people.