Day: December 11, 2019

The restraining order that has been the subject of dispute between me and the other person has to end asap. We have dragged other people into it and hurt them by accident. I have just been called out for trying to pretend that I was straight and getting a guy to fall for me. That doesn’t excuse his spreading it about with other women at the same time. I did that because I was that cut up over it still existing and not being able to see or speak to the person that I truly do stupidly still fancy despite what they did to me. I don’t care whether the person isn’t decent. The right thing to do is to apply to take it off because it is still affecting how I live my life. Then we have dragged others into the situation. It isn’t fair. I accept that the other person will never have feelings for me. I just want a chance to have the order removed. Both of our circumstances have changed since the whole situation blew up. I need to feel free so that I do not continue to be affected by what happened. I appeal to anyone who is able to change the situation (because I’m disallowed to do it directly) to finally end the order. We were both stressed for different reasons. I shouldn’t have lost my temper and said awful things. I admit that I over reacted but at the time I’d just lost my son to adoption. I was already emotionally on edge. The stuff that happened at university just tipped the balance due to the fact I’d had all I could take at that point. I have grown up now. I may even be more likable to the other person now. I didn’t do something that terrible that I deserve to have those restrictions placed on my head for life. Be fair.

I get fed up when others that have treated me in ways I’ve felt uncomfortable call me out. They are the same ones that continuously talk down to me. I didn’t like being touched on the leg during college maths class 3 years ago but they did it anyway. I was too polite to say get off. I know that other women probably think that it would be a blessing to be attractive to men. I assure you that it isn’t because I don’t like being seen in that way. The unwanted physical attention is not pleasant. I find that I’m attracted to women but they don’t seem to like me in general, even as friends. That can be quite annoying when you end up hanging with male friends only.

I’ve had female friends but it’s never lasted long term at school etc due to how bitchy females can be. It doesn’t help that I’m the type who will be quite direct if I’m trying to sort out something. I don’t do it to be nasty but we live in a small town where rumours can potentially cause a huge amount of damage. I am only trying to be fair and stop gossip before it gets out of control. Ironically, I don’t like conflict despite my direct, straight to the point approach. People shouting at each other and violence frightens me. I would never win in a fight so I avoid conflict. I found this aspect of myself to be quite problematic in places I’ve had to be in during my life. I wasn’t able to get away from the conflict when I was in a secure unit, a residential home and prison. I did fear violence from some of the others that were within my surroundings.

I don’t treat people awfully unless they’ve done something against me. I remember every little detail of my interactions with others. I can hold a grudge for many years. As far as I’m concerned I have to have a wall up due to my past. Those things are events that you simply will never truly be able to get over. I’m not being awful. I prefer to be distant most of the time. I treat everyone the same especially if I’m depressed or my insomnia is kicking off. I don’t mean to sound awful. I do care but I can’t show it naturally. If you knew my mother then you would completely understand that I picked a lot up from how emotionally detached her parenting style is and traits I inherited. I was close to my dad but my issues as a child with my undiagnosed autism meant that I never got to know him that well. He passed away when I was in my early 20s which meant he is unfortunately getting to be a distant past memory now that he’s been gone nearly a decade. I am used to being distant. That has been literally my whole life. I’m sorry if it appears unfriendly.