I can’t believe that I’m what everyone else sees nowadays.

I am awake at a stupid hour because I was editing my tutor marked assignment down to the required word count. I still have to somehow get rid of 200 words but I need sleep for a few hours. There is no point continuing to edit when I’m tired. I guarantee that I will potentially irrevocably make huge errors that won’t be able to rectified in time for the deadline on Wednesday. I’m listening to music but it’s not helping me concentrate. I won’t be listening to music on my final editing session in the morning. Well, it’s tomorrow, but all the days roll into one when you’ve got insomnia. I am at least using my insomnia to be productive rather than just laying awake. I can’t wait until this is submitted and I’m able to chill out for a while. I have to be up early one day this week because someone is coming to clean out the bath waste pipe. I have to give a relative a lift from the city to another relatives house on another day. I did offer to do that so I cannot complain about not having ‘me time’.

I would just like to comment on how others see me nowadays. I am aware that there are a lot of positives but I just cannot see them. I don’t feel like a decent person because after my past I just cannot perceive myself in that way. I took the labels that society gave me to heart. That isn’t something that I can shake off that easily. I still see myself as evil due to my autism related issues. That is how I’ve been conditioned to think and that is going to be me for the rest of my life. I see everything as being my fault. I don’t think that I am a likable person. I will never like myself either. I am not trying to be difficult when I don’t see myself in a positive light. This is just how my experiences have left me.