Finally free for a while! I’m doubting my writing skills when comparing it to others.

I thought that I would never finish the assignment for my OU module. It took longer to cut the word count down than I previously had planned. I hope that it gets easier because it was quite difficult. I’m trying not to be negative but I don’t think I will get a higher mark. This only accounts for 10% of the final module grade. The OU gives enough allowances for the first part of the module in case students don’t acquire the desired writing skills straight away. I always thought that I could write properly until I attempted this assignment. The formal language isn’t what comes naturally to me. Writing in Third person seems alien to me at the moment. I feel rather simple to some of the examples that former students have written. I’m inexperienced which makes me feel like a child in comparison. I know that some people will be reading this thinking that I’m short enough to be a child. I still don’t want to feel like my thoughts are childlike in comparison. That puts me at a disadvantage, like I cannot compete to the standards that has been set around me in any aspect of life. I may be able to catch up a little bit but I won’t ever fully get to an equal level. I’m all too much aware of my brain being different and damage from an accident as a child will always leave me behind. That is something that bugs me quite severely. I don’t want others to look down on me due to lacking in functionality areas. I work harder to make up for the shortfalls. I deserve to be seen as equal for the extra effort I put into many areas of weakness within my life. I just know that it won’t ever happen. I don’t like feeling inferior but I technically am…

I can’t believe that I’m what everyone else sees nowadays.

I am awake at a stupid hour because I was editing my tutor marked assignment down to the required word count. I still have to somehow get rid of 200 words but I need sleep for a few hours. There is no point continuing to edit when I’m tired. I guarantee that I will potentially irrevocably make huge errors that won’t be able to rectified in time for the deadline on Wednesday. I’m listening to music but it’s not helping me concentrate. I won’t be listening to music on my final editing session in the morning. Well, it’s tomorrow, but all the days roll into one when you’ve got insomnia. I am at least using my insomnia to be productive rather than just laying awake. I can’t wait until this is submitted and I’m able to chill out for a while. I have to be up early one day this week because someone is coming to clean out the bath waste pipe. I have to give a relative a lift from the city to another relatives house on another day. I did offer to do that so I cannot complain about not having ‘me time’.

I would just like to comment on how others see me nowadays. I am aware that there are a lot of positives but I just cannot see them. I don’t feel like a decent person because after my past I just cannot perceive myself in that way. I took the labels that society gave me to heart. That isn’t something that I can shake off that easily. I still see myself as evil due to my autism related issues. That is how I’ve been conditioned to think and that is going to be me for the rest of my life. I see everything as being my fault. I don’t think that I am a likable person. I will never like myself either. I am not trying to be difficult when I don’t see myself in a positive light. This is just how my experiences have left me.