I don’t know how I’m going to finally get proper sleep if I cannot stop feeling guilty about things. I feel responsible for certain things, even if it’s indirectly that still makes me guilty. I feel guilty that my mother is getting increasingly deaf. She lost her place at the hospital for her hearing problems because of what happened with my son’s adoption. She missed her appointments and got kicked off the service because of something we had to attend due to that situation. The GP will not refer her back to the consultant because of missing the appointment previously. That means she is just going to get worse and maybe it is irreversible at this point. I feel like I caused the problems which results in feeling horrendously guilty.
I can’t let go of the guilt regarding how I lost my temper with child protection involvement and said the wrong thing which lead to my son’s adoption. I feel that if his life ends up awful with his adoptive family then I am to blame. If he also ends up with behaviour problems. They might decide to put him back into the care system. Then he will grow up in this terrible system which will result in his life being destroyed. That will all be linked to my actions after he was born. I don’t want him to end up having issues. I just want him to be happy. The system makes no one happy, only causes distress on top of already unfortunate circumstances. I’m not saying that the services don’t help everyone. I’m just saying you need to be one of the lucky ones for the system to have positively transformed your life.