Day: December 7, 2019

I don’t know how I’m going to finally get proper sleep if I cannot stop feeling guilty about things. I feel responsible for certain things, even if it’s indirectly that still makes me guilty. I feel guilty that my mother is getting increasingly deaf. She lost her place at the hospital for her hearing problems because of what happened with my son’s adoption. She missed her appointments and got kicked off the service because of something we had to attend due to that situation. The GP will not refer her back to the consultant because of missing the appointment previously. That means she is just going to get worse and maybe it is irreversible at this point. I feel like I caused the problems which results in feeling horrendously guilty.

I can’t let go of the guilt regarding how I lost my temper with child protection involvement and said the wrong thing which lead to my son’s adoption. I feel that if his life ends up awful with his adoptive family then I am to blame. If he also ends up with behaviour problems. They might decide to put him back into the care system. Then he will grow up in this terrible system which will result in his life being destroyed. That will all be linked to my actions after he was born. I don’t want him to end up having issues. I just want him to be happy. The system makes no one happy, only causes distress on top of already unfortunate circumstances. I’m not saying that the services don’t help everyone. I’m just saying you need to be one of the lucky ones for the system to have positively transformed your life.

I can’t fall asleep again. I feel lost tonight but I have no idea why. I’m feeling sick too. That is never going to lead to sleep. I am tired but can’t settle. I’m like this every single night. It has been quite severe the last few months. I started being awake at night and then sleep during the day until mid afternoon due to being tired. I don’t want to be like that any longer. I even reset my sleep pattern and still end up unable to settle at night. Insomnia makes every day feel like one long one because it never gives me a break. I wake up a lot even when I fall asleep during the day. I can’t sleep for more than a few hours without waking up. I’m never getting proper rest and I’m starting to feel the lack of proper sleep. I have never slept well but the way it’s gone now is the worse it has ever been. I need a proper break. I’m exhausted but still can’t sleep consistently and that is grinding me down. I’m trying to do every day life but it feels like a struggle. It’s the equivalent of walking up a mountain because the exhaustion feels like I’m fighting against a massive wave of tiredness. Emotionally it is taking a toll on me and others because I’m always moody and not wanting to be around others. I constantly get colds etc because of being run down by lack of proper sleep. I can’t function like this any longer. I wish that I could just snap out of insomnia and exhaustion mode.

I managed to get some more of my tutor marked assignment done today. I slept in late but did enough to make sure that I finish it by the deadline. I just have to go over the answers and type my reference list. That doesn’t take as much effort as the parts I have already finished. I have struggled due to tiredness over the last few days. I’m just not sleeping much at night at the moment. I wish that I could just sleep properly for hours and actually wake up feeling like I’ve been asleep. I keep having dreams every time I fall asleep which doesn’t help me get proper sleep. I can’t even remember half of them. I forget them if I do not write them down straight away after I wake up. Some of them are verging on nightmares which results in me waking up because I was scared. I think that I just have an overactive mind. It’s an awful vicious cycle that makes me depressed.

I’ve already voted via post for the general election. I cleared out my post box earlier. There was a pile of leaflets advertising those that were standing for the local elections. I’m not saying which way I voted but the only party that has even considered disabled people are Labour. I don’t want to influence others but I would like to stress that voting for the Conservatives is not a good idea if you’re part of the disabled community. I don’t think that Brexit is the main issue for those of us that are disabled. We need to think about the wider picture. Brexit has prevented other issues from being addressed for too long already. It is still an important issue but we all have to look at the whole picture before casting a vote. Otherwise the wrong outcome is going to happen because everyone is focused solely on Brexit. Those of us that are disabled have to think of our futures aside from whatever happens with Brexit. We haven’t even been considered by any other party manifestos other than the Labour party. I’m not being biased because I haven’t necessarily voted for that party. I will just assure everyone that I didn’t vote Tory. I’m just making a comment on the things that I have read recently. I honestly don’t know who is better as prime minister but things definitely need to change. There is a lot of criticism for Jeremy Corbyn. However, I feel that we will only get change for those of us that have disabilities if he becomes prime minister.