I’m not ready yet :( Trauma still affects me despite thinking I had turned a corner.

I don’t feel ready to do volunteering yet. I felt better for the first time in years the other day. That isn’t a consistent feeling yet. I still am far from the point of being ready to do work yet. I feel awful that I’m not ready. I don’t want to be seen as lazy. That isn’t who I am  i have a huge insomnia issue at the moment. I feel that being at home a lot is healing me. I mentally feel better existing this way. That is what I need right now. One day I feel like I have completely healed, then the next day I’m not. I’m often made to feel bad for not being able to work thanks to “that” sort of person who’ll openly say that those who don’t work are scrounging.  I’m not someone who even wants to accept charity. I would be able to work if my mental health wasn’t so affected by the things I have been through. My autism is compounded by depression, anxiety and insomnia which all make things much more complicated. I get fatigued by constantly trying to balance everything in everyday life. My insomnia means I’m constantly missing huge chunks of sleep. Depression stops me even wanting to go for a walk and makes the most basic functioning hard. Anxiety literally makes me jumpy when it comes to even minor noises. I have made progress in that I’m sometimes able to have days when my thoughts don’t race at 100mph. I can finally slow down and rest. I could never do that when I was younger. I always used to be stressed and on edge. I still feel like that sometimes but I can at least relax sometimes now. If I rush things I fear those scales are will tip the other way and I’ll be back to square one again.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s