Sleep is impossible sometimes.

I got 1 hour sleep last night. I woke up at 1am and just couldn’t get back to sleep. I have no hope in being pregnant now because of how much I was bleeding. That makes me angry all over again about my first pregnancy and losing my son to adoption. Others have gone on to have another baby. I can’t even get pregnant to have another chance. I can’t let go of the bitterness and hurt that I feel about losing my son to adoption until I have another child and get given a chance. I feel like I’m broken because I can’t even physically get myself pregnant. I know that I shouldn’t give up hope completely because I have only had one opportunity to get pregnant so far. I am getting older and my hormones could start to make having another child difficult. I want to see my son every single day of my life. I don’t even get letterbox contact so it feels like he died. The only things I have left are photos of him when he was a baby. They are just images that prove he existed. I feel like a chunk of me is missing since the day we had our very last contact session. I have felt truly empty for the last 6 years. I cannot feel anything now that part of me has gone with him. As the years continued, the days have felt more and more like an uphill struggle. I don’t look forward to getting up or doing anything. I was able to do that for the last few weeks because I had hope that life was going to give me a second chance. There is no longer any hope of a second chance. The pain from what happened with my son is fresh again. This development has made me feel the raw pain of how much I will always be affected by my sons adoption. It isn’t a pleasant experience to feel empty and continue to hurt years later. I would do anything to be allowed letterbox updates about my son at the very least. I tried to get that but the adoptive parents never wrote back. I guess that they have no respect for me. I lost a huge part of me so that they could have a family. I’m left with  just photos and emptiness. They get everything that I’m going to miss for the foreseeable future. They don’t understand how heartbroken that makes me feel because they gained everything that was snatched from me.


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