I would rather be dead.

I think that the title of this entry spells out exactly how I feel. I actually fell asleep by half 11 tonight but then woke up at half past one in the morning and couldn’t get back to sleep.

I feel depressed which doesn’t help when I’m feeling ill as well. I went to bed earlier than usual because I was feeling ill. I could have slept all night except for needing to get up for the toilet.

Mister, my cat, attempted to cheer me up by bringing in a live baby mouse but that meant I had to catch it which woke me up even more. I’m now too awake to fall asleep. I feel tired but I cannot sleep.

I’m affected by my past a lot. I keep thinking about how I was let down by all the people I approached to try to stop my son’s adoption. They all turned a blind eye to the unnecessary suffering being caused and I got in trouble for getting upset. All displays of emotion were used against me, and obviously I got emotional because I cared about my son. I will feel incomplete for the rest of my life now that I can’t even be part of my sons life.

If I had the guts to commit suicide then I would have ended this pain years ago. It doesn’t get better as time goes on. I had no option but to force myself to suppress how I felt and suffer because other people just saw my distressed behaviour as an unwanted issue for them to deal with.

I think about things every single day. They don’t go away, there will always be dark holes there. I never used to feel that every day was a huge struggle. I don’t go out as frequently. I don’t go out socially at all. I have never stayed in for three days of the week. I never left the house for those three days. They weren’t three consecutive days but I used to go for a walk on a daily basis. I’m not even depressed any more because I don’t cry. I haven’t cried for a while. I feel flat and very tired all the time. I don’t even see glimpses of my former self any longer. I’m too numb to feel anything.

2 thoughts on “I would rather be dead.

  1. Dear Emma,
    I read your last night’s post with great sadness, it is clear that you have been mistreated and manipulated by a social system that always finds it easier to blame a parent and take a child away for its ‘own safety’, rather than try to resolve a situation so that a mother and child can stay together, the most natural and sacred bond that exists. You must however, dispel all thoughts of suicide: you are here for a purpose, and on the basis of your posts that I have followed over the last two years, you have been working towards your purpose unfailingly. You are in a unique position of intelligence and understanding, and, against all odds, have re-educated yourself and have raised awareness of the social injustices that come hand-in-hand with a failing care system that is based on personal prejudice and ignorance. You will go on to become a defender of people’s rights, and I truly admire your bravery. In short, don’t give up, in Lord Kitchener’s words, your country needs you. I wish you all the best, now if you’ll forgive me, get up, get out and face the day!

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    1. I managed to sleep for a few hours this morning. I still feel sick. The cat woke me up by pawing me. I don’t know how I’m not going to ever stop feeling emotionally numb. I have shut myself off so that it doesn’t hurt any more. I need a break but can’t get away from my own thoughts.

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