I don’t think I will ever have a consistent sleep pattern.

I haven’t been able to sleep all night. I gave up trying to sleep at 4am. I got a drink of water on the way back from the toilet. I haven’t drank water for a few days. I have been drinking tea and a Pepsi Max per day. I don’t drink enough water but I complain about feeling bloated. I noticeably see the difference so I annoy myself because I just don’t remember to drink water. I will drink anything else but I struggle with water. I tend to buy drinks when I’m out which is often not the best choices due to sugar content. They aren’t the worst choices of drinks I could buy but it’s sometimes a slippery slope.

I’m tired and hot. I left the electric blanket on and now I’m too warm despite being ice cold earlier. That makes me more unable to even get to the point of falling asleep. I don’t understand why I’m in this sleep pattern right now. I thought I had got it back to normal a few days ago. I barely saw day light by the time I woke up two days this week. I can fall into a deeper sleep during the day. I just can’t do that at night. I wish that I wasn’t programmed that way naturally.

I still lie awake at a stupid hour thinking about things in my life that have upset me. That makes me too wound up to sleep. It’s 5am and I’m still being restless. I’m the kind of person who wants to change everything. The fact that I am technically powerless is frustrating. I want everything to be balanced and right in my life. I don’t feel that will happen in some areas.

There are apologies that I want from particular people that won’t ever happen because they don’t see their actions towards me as wrong. People who will never think the same as me. I can’t get them to see the errors they made when impacting on my life, let alone have any chance of getting at an apology.

I don’t mind admitting when I have made mistakes. I’m sure that my honesty has been my weakness my entire life. I just don’t have the ability to not say something that is in hindsight probably a bad idea, but my head can’t see it as a disaster waiting to explode in my face.

The things that didn’t work out keep me awake at night. It’s silent, there is nobody around. The only person I’m alone with is myself. I am seeing parts of the past in my mind and have really awful dreams. I just want to be able to deal with all the loose ends that keep me awake. Those things involve other people who are never going to meet me half-way. My son’s adoptive family not even writing to me once a year. Finally sorting out things with the person who sent me to prison to be able to move on.

I just want closure and need others need to work with me in order to make progress in these areas. I have attempted to persuade my sons adoptive parents via the post room to consider writing to me once a year. I can’t initiate anything to resolve the other situation because of the restraining order the other party put on me. They are the only ones who can sort things out by dealing with the order and seeing that their decisions were wrong.

I am aware that what I was told via third parties isn’t true. It wasn’t the university that made the decision to involve the police. The police also didn’t take it upon themselves to press charges. My accuser insisted that they charge me because they thought that it would teach me a lesson and they also just didn’t care what effect it would have on me.

The lesson they really taught me was nothing like they’d intended. I didn’t deserve to be taught a lesson and if they’d had bothered to listen to me that would have been plain to see.

Author: Diary of a Painfully Shy Introvert

A blog written by a female diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome but suspected PDA in more recent years. Musings of a Trainee Battleaxe was created to not only create awareness of the PDA part of the spectrum; but also to educate the public hopefully creating understanding in order to stop future generations being let down and labelled negatively. Disclaimer: There may be parts of this blog which viewers may find upsetting as it contains accounts of real life events which have been quite traumatic. However, it is all to help create a sense of understanding and combat the fear surrounding all aspects of mental illness and Pathological Avoidance Syndrome (a very little understood part of the autistic spectrum).

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