I can’t be the same any longer.

I don’t feel well but at least I slept last night. I may have napped this morning due to having not caught up on a lot of sleep recently. I’m going to have to build myself back up to the point where I don’t miss that insomnia-stolen sleep. I need to change things for my own well-being. I can no longer get too involved in anything. I can’t sleep unless I unwind myself from fighting for the causes and issues that are so important to me. I still care but trying to be the one that fixes everything has made me ill. I’m never able to sleep while doing that kind of role. I can never relax because I’m scared of being punished for being the one that makes themselves heard. This isn’t just paranoia: because of actual lived experiences, I’m scared of the police, the courts and of prison. I end up on edge in case someone takes offence to what I’m trying to say or even that an innocent action might be misconstrued.

The constant feeling of being on edge is extremely tiring. I’ve told my story on the ‘About Em’ page. I’m hoping that it has some impact on future changes. I cannot promise that our stories about how the system has acted will definitely lead to change. I’m not going to try to get the questionable convictions removed from my record. I can’t handle the stress of going through that process. That said, I’m not letting them get away with the things that happened. I simply cannot deal with that stress for the foreseeable future. I feel like I haven’t stopped since my son was adopted. That’s been going on for over five years now. I’ve put a vast amount of effort into campaigning and speaking against the opinions of the system. I have played my part for the time being and need a break for a while. I just need peace which I haven’t managed to get most of my life.