Too heartbroken to sleep :(

I am aware that I should have been relieved that I didn’t get pregnant that night. I feel heartbroken over not being though. It may not have been the right time but this news has made me feel raw over losing my first child to adoption. I feel like I lost him all over again after it was officially confirmed that I definitely wasn’t pregnant. I lost hope again which has left me upset. I don’t want others telling me that I can meet someone one day and try again in a proper relationship. That isn’t going to happen for me. I simply don’t see myself in a relationship at any point of my life. It simply isn’t for me. I won’t ever be in that situation. I don’t want to miss out on having a child due to aspects of my life which aren’t going to ever change. I just want a chance to have another baby and be able to keep them this time. I don’t want to wait a long time for this to happen. I messed up a lot the first time around with my son but I’ve matured now. It’s getting me down. I know that I will never forget my first child. I don’t feel that I can properly move on and be happy until I have another child. I feel stuck until that happens. I’m currently stuck in a limbo state not being able to move on properly. I look around to see everyone else doing things and going places in life. I am just stuck because whatever I try to do is just fated to not materialising. That has been the case since I came back to this area. It is like bad luck lingers here from negative parts of my past. I feel like every day is a tedious hell of repetition. Day after day, I am stuck in this existence. I can’t call it a life because I don’t have anything to call a life. I just want to be able to experience life like the people I grew up around. I’m denied so much due to how others perceive autism. I don’t deserve that treatment. There are many things that I enjoy which I cannot do because my autism has got me rejected. I was punished for struggling and labelled bad or weird.