I don’t know why I bother.

People just do not listen to what I try to explain to them. I have tried to convince others that I’m not what they assume but their refusal to understand autism, especially the PDA type is a huge barrier. I thought that by publishing my full story on the about em page would start to replace that ignorance in others with understand. I’m aware that we all have different priorities but people being open minded would at least be helpful. That never seems to happen. I just want to clear my name because being labelled a criminal due to how others have perceived my autism has caused me to end up broken as a person. I was told that I seemed a happy and bubbly person today. I wish that this was the real me inside. I wish that I could be truly happy and that the personality people see when I’m out wasn’t just a front. I feel like a fraud when someone sees me like that because I’m not truly a happy person. It’s also misleading because others assume that I’m fine with anything when I’m definitely not. Also, that  I’m not taking things seriously when I am. I’ve learned to be like that because I discovered that no one truly gives a damn about each other in life. I can be truly heartbroken and cut up inside but still act happy. That means people think that I fake depression and that my autism doesn’t mean I have support needs. That isn’t the case. I’m purely protecting myself from a world that will savage me if I show any weakness; like it did when I let my guard down in the past. It doesn’t mean that I don’t struggle. Society sees behavioural problems but those symptoms are just due to me struggling with life. I don’t behave badly, I react to how others treat me or things that happen around me that I find difficult to handle.

I am ill again :( It’s getting irritating….

I started bleeding again. I absolutely shouldn’t be on my monthly any longer. I’m not getting anything done properly when these things happen. I’ve got a TMA due for 11th December. If this kicks off to the point where I have to seek hospital treatment then I’m not going to get that done. I’ve only wrote the first question answers in draft. I keep getting period like pains but I shouldn’t have them either at this point of the month. I was fine until this evening but then it started bleeding again. I definitely can’t afford to lose any more blood because I still have a headache from the two days that it was extremely heavy. I though that I was finished today but then it came back on tonight. It’s not normal to have a monthly for nearly 9 days. I started on the 20th, albeit that was mostly spotting until the 25th. Then the heavy bleeding came on for 2 days. Then for the last 2 days it has been sporadically spotting. It then goes from spotting to normal flow again. I’m nervous that it will go heavy again though because of the aches. That is normally what happens when it’s going to be heavy. 

I cannot go anywhere tonight because I’ve had a can of cider. This is just a treat. I don’t normally drink but those 4 can packs will last for weeks. I can’t drink much in one go because I’m a lightweight. I don’t even mind admitting that I’m a lightweight because it’s the truth. That is a good thing because it costs me less on a night out due to the fact that it doesn’t take much to be just the right amount of drunk to be confident. Anyway, they tell you not to drive yourself to A&E but I have no one that can take me over to our local one. I am hoping that it won’t come to having to go to hospital but if it goes like the other day I’m definitely going to get a bit freaked out. I should be fine. I’m more fed up with this issue than distressed at the moment. It is hard not to think about what may happen after what it did the other day. I can’t properly concentrate on my modules TMA at the moment so I’m going to leave it until tomorrow now.

I’m doing much better than I have been recently :)

I haven’t felt normal for a few months. I finally felt like I used to a long time ago after I woke up properly today. I felt like I was in a hole for a few months. I managed to do some housework without getting to the point of being exhausted. That isn’t something I’ve been able to do for a while. I went out for a long walk which I haven’t done for weeks. I have walked a while but not that far. I let the rain wash my hair because I had coconut oil and dry shampoo left in there during the week. It was just slightly greasy so there was no point in washing it properly because it takes quite a while due to it getting longer and thicker. I can’t wash my hair too much due to it being prone to frizz. I normally wash it once a week and it was due for that wash but I was a bit lazy.

I’ve done housework and a part of my first tutor marked assessment for my open university module. I actually went to bed at 10pm last night but woke up at 1am and then was unable to until 6am. I got up at midday, which is better than half 2 in the afternoon. I felt like I had actually slept for a change. I wasn’t feeling exhausted or lacking in energy for a change. I know that depression won’t completely go away but I’ve felt so down for a long time that I never thought that I would have a day when I didn’t feel tired.

Looks like my destiny is doomed :(

I posted the photos below on a few social network groups last night. I was just curious because intuitively I don’t feel that life will ever get better. I know that I’m doomed after someone told me be careful of fake friends. There is no way that I’m not going to be tripped up by those that are being fake towards me. I can’t judge people enough to be able to avoid having my life destroyed in the future. The services don’t help me properly because they don’t understand the PDA type of autism, especially if they’ve reached adulthood. If I had the proper support then I could have a full life that was actually positive rather than negative experiences. I’m fed up of being in the same position. I want to have more in life. I feel alone a lot, but after being told about having fake friends waiting in the wings to ruin my life, I don’t want to risk getting to know anyone so that I can ensure I’m protected from having my life ruined again.

lefthand
Top: Left hand / Bottom: Right hand

righthand

 

Sleep is impossible sometimes.

I got 1 hour sleep last night. I woke up at 1am and just couldn’t get back to sleep. I have no hope in being pregnant now because of how much I was bleeding. That makes me angry all over again about my first pregnancy and losing my son to adoption. Others have gone on to have another baby. I can’t even get pregnant to have another chance. I can’t let go of the bitterness and hurt that I feel about losing my son to adoption until I have another child and get given a chance. I feel like I’m broken because I can’t even physically get myself pregnant. I know that I shouldn’t give up hope completely because I have only had one opportunity to get pregnant so far. I am getting older and my hormones could start to make having another child difficult. I want to see my son every single day of my life. I don’t even get letterbox contact so it feels like he died. The only things I have left are photos of him when he was a baby. They are just images that prove he existed. I feel like a chunk of me is missing since the day we had our very last contact session. I have felt truly empty for the last 6 years. I cannot feel anything now that part of me has gone with him. As the years continued, the days have felt more and more like an uphill struggle. I don’t look forward to getting up or doing anything. I was able to do that for the last few weeks because I had hope that life was going to give me a second chance. There is no longer any hope of a second chance. The pain from what happened with my son is fresh again. This development has made me feel the raw pain of how much I will always be affected by my sons adoption. It isn’t a pleasant experience to feel empty and continue to hurt years later. I would do anything to be allowed letterbox updates about my son at the very least. I tried to get that but the adoptive parents never wrote back. I guess that they have no respect for me. I lost a huge part of me so that they could have a family. I’m left with  just photos and emptiness. They get everything that I’m going to miss for the foreseeable future. They don’t understand how heartbroken that makes me feel because they gained everything that was snatched from me.