There have been many of us from marginalised communities fighting to have our voices heard for many years. This means that being told to keep quiet by even family members is technically ruining all those tiring years of fighting to be heard. Or being punished for trying to be heard (in my own case). I cannot change how I feel or who I am however much that is what I’d like to do at the moment. I’m depressed over how I feel so if that was a choice then I’d definitely not be wanting to feel this way. I don’t care about what certain other people think after how I was treated by them.
I have been campaigning for over a decade. We have all worked hard to get to this point. I have finally started to get my credibility back after the system tried to take it away from me as a teenager. I’m definitely not going to waste some of that new found respect by holding back on anything I think should be said. I am not doing anything wrong by stating my views. Freedom of speech isn’t against the law… yet. We are allowed to have feelings regardless whether others agree with them or not. Others don’t need to accept my feelings or views. I want to express myself when it comes to things that continue to impact on my depression. I feel quite down about things that have happened. The way I’ve been impacted in regards to how I feel about myself hasn’t been positive and I will continue to think negatively about who I am as a person for a long time.
I don’t want to rush back into life at the moment. I’m tired all the time from things that have happened. It takes time to repair from traumatic events. I won’t ever get over some things. I can’t stop feeling depressed on demand. I can’t not be lesbian. I can’t not have feelings for someone that is totally a negative influence on my life. Reinforcing the do not talk about certain things is sending me a message that as a person my existence isn’t okay. We all have the right to exist and express ourselves. I have been physically ill on and off for a few years because of the stress I feel from others expectations. I still have this flu thing after 3 weeks. Admittedly it has got a bit better but it’s getting on my nerves now. I’ve been tired for a long time. That is all the result of years of fighting for people like myself to have a voice. The stress has absolutely destroyed my hormones to the point where I suffer badly every time I’m on a monthly. I have had enough of being told what I can and cannot say. I’m very aware of people potentially stirring things online. I know that I’ve done absolutely nothing wrong though! I’m fighting for change, like many others and sometimes that involves putting yourself out there. There is no such thing as privacy since the rise of the internet.