I will always have depression if I continue living a lie. If I’m not true to myself then things are going to keep literally appearing right in front of my eyes making things glaringly obvious. I don’t like men. I can’t make myself straight however much I try to make myself attracted to men. I just don’t find them attractive at all. I find women attractive but I feel like I can’t be myself. I feel that others expect me to be straight. I don’t feel able to date women because of things that have happened and I was brought up in an traditional type family where I was conditioned to end up in a straight relationship. I don’t think my dad would have even been happy with me discovering I’m a lesbian. I’m sure that he has probably washed his hands of me from beyond the grave for other reasons already.
I’m still far from over the woman that I did fall in love with back in 2014. It is terribly hard when the person I most wanted to be in a relationship with (despite how they treated me) will never love me for who I am. I can’t get over the only person I truly fell in love with just because others tell me that I should. I’m also not going to be able to let go how they made me feel due to the way that they treated me. I don’t feel that I should have to apologise for developing feelings for someone. It was only wrong in the context of how we met. They were exactly my type. I never knew what my type was until I met them. I tried to deny it for so long due to others making me feel awful for the feelings that I had for such a long time. I would love the other person to consider giving me a chance in the future but they’ll never give me a chance and that hurts. That also stops me wanting to start a relationship with anyone else because it’s not fair if I still have feelings for someone else.
I also increasingly wish that I could get justice for what I’ve found out in regards to the lies in my mental health notes on the system. I lost my son to adoption because of those incorrect notes. I thought that I’d feel better about what happened after finding out what had been on the notes knowing that I really didn’t have a chance against lies. I feel the opposite though due to not even being able to have letterbox contact with my son and his adoptive parents. I was denied the last link to my son because of the notes on the system. I feel that I should obtain some kind of justice even if it’s just compensation. I would be satisfied if I received an official apology from the system because at least they would have admitted that they were wrong to put me through the hell of having my baby son ripped away from me for adoption. I want justice for how awfully I’ve been treated by the services too. I don’t feel like it’s okay yet. It’s far from okay until I at least get an apology from everyone involved in failing me or putting untrue assumptions on the system about me. I’m always frustrated because I cannot legally do anything about what the services have done to my life. I feel that this option should be widely available, but it seems that if you don’t have the money then you just have to ‘put up and shut up’. Those that know me will understand that putting up and shutting up definitely isn’t me if I see things that have been done wrong towards me.
5 responses to “I’m living a lie and I also need justice.”
You can’t will yourself straight and nor should you do it for other people. In your dad’s case, he obviously loved you and cared much more about you than “traditional” opinions: he’d want you to be happy. A lot of people have opinions about things which are very quickly reappraised once it involves somebody they care about. The only ones who won’t change are the sort of people who wouldn’t have cared about you in the first place, but he obviously did.
I don’t feel him around me.
Nor do I with mine, but that doesn’t mean he’s not there. More sensitive people than I am think he is. The point is that, however he might’ve spoken about things, he was a decent man who loved you. For who you are. Being autistic didn’t change that. Being gay wouldn’t have changed it.
We can’t guarantee that though.
You can’t guarantee anything where other people are concerned, but the overwhelming likelihood is that it wouldn’t have affected the way he cared about you. You’re still his daughter, you’re still you. It takes a special sort of nastiness to reject someone for that and the way you’ve described him is that it’s simply not in his nature. There’s a reason I mentioned autism because it can attract the same sort of intolerance, and I’m going to hazard what I think is a fairly sure guess that all the people who have a problem with your autism are exactly the same ones who disapprove of you being gay. The problem isn’t being autistic, being gay, or being you. The problem is them. And your dad wasn’t like them.