Illness is stopping me from doing much :( I also feel depressed due to various life issues.

I woke up feeling really rough this morning (well this afternoon if you want to be precise). I definitely know that I’m not going to be a Mother again any time soon because I got another monthly. That’s not a positive sign when half of me got my hopes up that I could have another child. I’m feeling disappointed but there is no way that I can possibly convince myself there is any hope of pregnancy now. I was longing to have another child again, mainly to get everything right this time and not feel a failure due to what happened with my first child. I am aware of how age won’t be on my side in a few years. I didn’t want to be older than 35 when I had another baby. I had older parents and am very aware of the genetic risk of passing on autism if I get pregnant later in life. I’m still not quite over the flu. I have barely managed to do much last week because my cold made me feel so unwell.

I have barely walked much for a while and I’m looking more chubby due to the lack of exercise. I didn’t want to do toning exercises until I knew if I was definitely not pregnant. I now hate my body because it’s just fatter for no reason now. I’m sure that I’ll be less bloated once my monthly has passed but at the age of 32 my body is starting to widen and I can no longer fit into clothes that I used to wear for years. I get told that I look okay even at a larger size but it isn’t who I am. I don’t feel me at a larger size yet. The BMI stuff also makes me feel like crap too. If I go up a size then I’m classed as overweight. I’m already classed as slightly overweight at a size 10. I don’t see 12 as a hugely overweight size but according to the BMI it’s a negative size to accept as your natural size. There are women I’ve known throughout my life who have always been bigger built naturally. They have never been within the normal BMI range. These women have learned not to let it get to them. I wish that I could be that confident about that system seeing me as slightly overweight. I am not naturally skinny. I have curves which weigh a percentage of my entire body weight. I don’t eat many unhealthy things either.