I still cannot understand things and it affects my confidence.

I know that as an autistic I just won’t understand certain things when it comes to others and how they socially function etc. However, I let what happened with a certain person get to me quite a lot. The whole situation has affected my confidence and me as a person. I just can’t get certain things out of my head. It isn’t anything to do with my feelings for the other person anymore (despite what she put me through I will always have some there). This is about the message that I’ve taken deep within myself after the things that happened. I’ve incorporated certain things into my inner self that isn’t helpful for getting on with my life. I know that others have their faults and I can’t blame myself solely for every single action that has happened. However, I do feel like I must be evil to have been treated that way by someone. I must have deserved it for some reason, even if it was just my karma.

I no longer give a crap what people think of me. I literally tried to please everyone my entire life until recently. There is just no way to keep everyone happy and stay comfortable yourself both physically and mentally. If people know that you’re a giving or naïve person through reputation then they’re going to push those boundaries until they no longer exist. I never used to see the importance of boundaries in life. I now know that they are sometimes the only way to protect yourself from getting involved in anything that could turn potentially toxic. I just can’t understand how there are so many toxic people freely walking around society. These types aren’t stopped from doing destructive things to others lives. They freely go around causing trouble by using forms of manipulation. They do not get sectioned and most of those that deserve to be imprisoned dodge even a conviction. It just isn’t right. There are probably many certified psychopaths/sociopaths walking around freely in society, a high percentage may be in the most powerful positions. They never get labelled because pure psychopaths/sociopaths are extremely intelligent individuals. They remember every single lie that they tell anyone. This means that they never get singled out as a potential danger.

I’m in some support groups for those that have had their lives destroyed by narcissists. I read stories all the time with frustrating outcomes where the narc never gets their life ruined but the other person has their lives ripped apart. I just don’t think that it is fair. But I still question whether I’m evil due to how I’ve been treated for my autism traits. I still assume that I’m an awful person due to the things that have happened. There have been times that I’ve even believed that I must have an evil soul or something. That is how badly the things that happened with the other person. They really had a deep impact on me and I don’t understand why. That has literally never happened with anyone else I’ve ever met in my life. I never gave a crap what the others in my past thought. I don’t understand why it’s impacted me so badly in regards to what happened with the most recent person. I don’t know why I am affected by their opinion of me or how they see me overall as a person. I don’t know why they impacted my thinking and stood out to me more than anyone I ever met before in my life. 

One thought on “I still cannot understand things and it affects my confidence.

  1. In my experience, setting boundaries is often counterproductive; because the people who respect boundaries are the sort of people you probably want to know, and the people who don’t respect them and therefore are in your life are… well, arseholes. Or “psychopaths/sociopaths” as you describe them. “Arseholes” is easier to type, though, and probably more descriptive.

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