Tired and still slightly unwell. And, also slightly upset/offended.

The end of my cold has finally happened but I’ve been left quite tired. I also ache when I cough. I feel a bit down after realising that none of my dads side of the family even bothered to send me a happy birthday message on social media. I’ve probably done something they class as shameful. I’ve lost loads of blog hits since I agreed to change the format of the blog on the request of another family member on mums side. I wish that I could just be myself without being told I’m not good enough in some way. I’m offended that others don’t accept me for that reason. We are family. I have the same blood because my dad was related to them. I don’t want to upset anyone but it upsets me. The only time I ever truly felt wanted by that side was when dad was alive and for a period after his funeral. I am who I am. I was born with a form of autism. That doesn’t make me defective. It wasn’t my choice to get mentally ill as a teenager. I feel like I’m blamed for that and subsequently rejected on that basis. I will always hate myself for being an awful youngster. I’m not the same person now and I have served my punishment for what I did do wrong several times over. I have a life sentence after losing my son to adoption. I’m fed up of being told I’m not ‘good enough’. That I’m ‘undeserving’ due to my neurodiverse functionality. I am just not ever going to be normal. It just isn’t possible for me to do anything mainstream. I shouldn’t be treated unfavourably for those inabilities. There is plenty of me that is likeable but no one notices those things. The only people that seem to want to know me are abusers that see my naivety and take advantage. I don’t want to be used by those types any longer. There are autistics that have great close knit families and that is the reason why they successfully get to keep their children and get opportunities in life. They avoid being enrolled into the so called support system via social services etc. I didn’t have that aspect growing up. Both sides of my family are disjointed and have the inability to work together. I come from an older family so they are quite old fashioned in their beliefs. I just can’t compare to their idea of living life.