Doubting myself so much! Maybe I chose the wrong option here.

I submitted the first completed assessment for degree module today. I have studied the recommended hours but I didn’t know half the answers. I know this sounds absolutely terrible, but some of my multiple choice answers were pure guesses based on a tiny bit of logic. I honestly do not feel academically programmed enough to do well in the subject of law. I thought that I could do it until I looked at the first set of questions realising that the subject isn’t straight forward. I’m fine when it comes to tutorials. I can understand the topics, then I answer the questions in the box while the tutor and other students are online. I feel like I’m better at the discussions than the academic side of this subject right now.

I also have got behind with the housework which is making my brain feel cluttered. I feel like I’m failing already. This is probably not strictly true because lack of confidence is most likely amplifying how I perceive myself. I don’t want to feel like I’m letting myself or others down if I have to drop out because it’s too hard for me. I’ve had to quit or drop out of a lot of things in my life due to how my autism affects me. That makes me feel like a let down. I need to be realistic when it comes to my learning disabilities. I may not be able to do complex things, such as a degree. I do not want to have to quit the degree but if I fail any of the module (especially the very beginning) this may be my only option. I find some of the subject exasperatingly dull. The thought of doing this part time for six years is quite tedious.

I may change my mind once I get into the routine of completing the module and doing my TMAs. I may not even get that far if I’ve completely messed up the first assessment. I may have done better than I predicted but I’m unsure until they send the results back. We had until the beginning of November but I stupidly completed it within a few days of it becoming available. I need a friend like Tim from ‘The Circle’. The type that is like a walking book of knowledge in this particular subject. Unfortunately the only person I know that fits this description doesn’t even want to be in contact ever again. As soon as I saw that Tim I thought he reminded me of her so much. 

One thought on “Doubting myself so much! Maybe I chose the wrong option here.

  1. As I said elsewhere, I think this is down to confidence rather than ability: “I’m fine when it comes to tutorials”, and so on. I’m pretty sure you do have the ability: I didn’t even need to edit today’s blog for you so you obviously have your thinking trousers on!

    I can’t really comment about the problem of whether or not it engages you, though you certainly have the motivation and I find that I can eventually become interested in a given subject. It’s not something that can be forced, it just kinda happens sooner or later.

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