I may seem like I’m ‘getting over’ things that have happened in life. While that may be the case, I still have permanent damage that was inflicted on me because of how society has misunderstood my autistic traits. I will always be affected by what I’ve been through. I’m able to mask those effects on a daily basis because I know that others don’t want to hear about the things that have happened to me in life. Too many just accuse other people of living in the past if they talk about things that have happened in their life. The past is painful for me which is also why I don’t want to go there any longer. Memories of the past can hurt you on a daily basis if you let yourself think about them. It is hard at first but it’s important to learn not to think about certain things. I couldn’t sleep properly before I disallowed myself to think about the things from the past that were keeping me awake.
I hold the firm belief that I am evil after things that have happened. That is a mindset that won’t change easily. I know that I said the things written about me by various professionals didn’t get to me. That wasn’t entirely true. Those things have played on my mind despite knowing that I’m not the only person in the system that have had such horrendous assumptions made about them. I’m quite sensitive when it comes to taking things to heart in regards to what other people say or think about me. Even when I tell myself that they don’t actually know enough about me as a person to make those assumptions, this is something I simply cannot stop affecting me. The hardest thing is that I opened up to a lot of people who then punished me for being that way. It is then that I come to the conclusion that this must mean I am an evil person. Things remain the same between me and another person. That seems to fuel my feelings that I’m evil. If I asked for things to change (the court order removal, etc) then it would be seen as manipulative. This certainly isn’t the case.
The way things remain do affect me on a daily basis. I would never make that up. The way things happened and still remain has destroyed any self confidence that I had before everything occurred. I’m quite jumpy some days. I dislike my door buzzer because I get scared of e.g. the police coming to my door and so on. I simply cannot trust anyone in any aspect of life. I have virtually no self esteem after everything that I went through due to those others misunderstanding my autism. There isn’t a lot of help for autistic people and this needs to change because the way we have been treated has caused us mental health problems. Awareness isn’t enough: society needs to make more of an effort to understand autism because that is the only way that they can provide the appropriate support for us.