I can’t pretend any longer. I truly don’t want to be in a relationship. I tried it but it felt way too alien to me. I can’t want things that I don’t have any personal desire to achieve as my life goals. I don’t like guys in any kind of sexual way whatsoever! I do find other females attractive but I don’t want to date whatsoever! I can’t be a person that is in a romantic relationship. It isn’t me. I can’t possibly imagine anything worse now that I’ve explored that area of life. I don’t want to do intimate stuff with another person. It just doesn’t sit right with me. I can find females attractive but I don’t want to have a romantic relationship with either gender. If this makes me weird then I do not care. I tried it. I didn’t like it. Please don’t assume I just ‘haven’t met the right one yet’. I don’t believe in that soulmate thing. Another thing is that I did meet the person I truly fell for because I found them attractive but even if they changed their mind after everything that has happened that wouldn’t even be a romantic level either. It is definitely probably not going to change unless by some miracle they fell in love with aspects of me, but I’m using the person that I felt attraction towards as an hypothetical example here. I even questioned if I actually wanted any more children earlier. I won’t be disappointed that I’m not pregnant if that is the outcome of my situation right now. I’m doing my last test next week just to get a definitive answer. I just want to properly let go of the idea. I have to do that properly because of the guilt and emotional pain I feel over my baby son forcibly adopted. That has to be let go of properly so that I can move on from the past and not feel upset that the whole children thing didn’t work out for me. The best that I could ever possibly be with anyone I find attractive is just friends. That may not suit others. I don’t want to cause others pain that need more than a friend because that feels unfair. I might be surprised at how many others have a personal need to conduct their relationships like me. I don’t think that my preferences are that mainstream though. I may not be meant to have a traditional life. Maybe it’s actually my official destiny. I may not have that mapped out on mine.